FOR once, I can write authoritatively about something.
Well, not authoritatively (once more, a vat of eggs has descended upon our pudding) but from the benefit of experience. Up to a point.
Let's cut to the chase. I was once chased by a swan. I was holding forth to an audience of one about a subject she has since forgotten.
While thus disbursing my knowledge — and this detail is crucial — I had my back to the River Tyne that runs brownly through Haddington, East Lothian.
A scream from a member of the crowd alerted me that something was wrong. And, on turning round, I found an angry swan about to bite me in the buttockular region.
Lacking the first part of the fight or flight instinct, I skedaddled, with the beast waddling awkwardly after me for a couple of paces before stopping with a smug look that said: "Wha daur meddle wi moi?"
However, this is not the limit of my knowledge of our subject today. You may have read about a swan that's been attacking the citizenry at Craiglockhart pond, Edinburghshire. Well, said swan is known to me.
I hope it's not swannist to say they all look the same, but I think I have our beast pegged.
The gymnasium, where once a week I flex my pimply muscles, overlooks the pond.
And, periodically, this member of the waterfowl family Anatidae stoats up to the windows and gives us each a hard man stare.
Then he starts inhaling something off the glass like a right nutter.
The pair on the pond have six or seven peculiar-looking cygnets on the go, as they do every year, and in defence of these, one parent has been flying at the civilian population, particularly junior kayakers, who've now been told they can't use the pond, for their own safety.
This is an outrage. Kayaking is one of the few leisure activities of which I approve. I thought about taking it up myself once — got a catalogue and everything.
But now it has been blootered by this nasty pond-ned, which bullies the ducks and moorhens too.
In truth, all these beasts are horrible. It's duck-eat-duck out there. A female friend claims ducks indulge in rape as well as committing culpable duckicide by drowning.
I don't know about that, but I join the junior kayakers in wishing that swan would flap off.
Why are you making commenting on The Herald only available to subscribers?
It should have been a safe space for informed debate, somewhere for readers to discuss issues around the biggest stories of the day, but all too often the below the line comments on most websites have become bogged down by off-topic discussions and abuse.
heraldscotland.com is tackling this problem by allowing only subscribers to comment.
We are doing this to improve the experience for our loyal readers and we believe it will reduce the ability of trolls and troublemakers, who occasionally find their way onto our site, to abuse our journalists and readers. We also hope it will help the comments section fulfil its promise as a part of Scotland's conversation with itself.
We are lucky at The Herald. We are read by an informed, educated readership who can add their knowledge and insights to our stories.
That is invaluable.
We are making the subscriber-only change to support our valued readers, who tell us they don't want the site cluttered up with irrelevant comments, untruths and abuse.
In the past, the journalist’s job was to collect and distribute information to the audience. Technology means that readers can shape a discussion. We look forward to hearing from you on heraldscotland.com
Comments & Moderation
Readers’ comments: You are personally liable for the content of any comments you upload to this website, so please act responsibly. We do not pre-moderate or monitor readers’ comments appearing on our websites, but we do post-moderate in response to complaints we receive or otherwise when a potential problem comes to our attention. You can make a complaint by using the ‘report this post’ link . We may then apply our discretion under the user terms to amend or delete comments.
Post moderation is undertaken full-time 9am-6pm on weekdays, and on a part-time basis outwith those hours.
Read the rules hereComments are closed on this article