WE pass on the thoughts of former police sergeant Alfie Moore, doing stand-up at the Edinburgh Fringe, who told the website Three Weeks:

"Scottish forces have now amalgamated into one force known as Police Scotland. Whenever I hear the term 'Police Scotland', I'm tempted to say, 'I wish somebody would! Have you seen the parking in Edinburgh?'"

Alfie also said that with the referendum coming up, it was better not to say anything that would annoy Scots. He added: "I have sensitively edited my jokes to be absolutely certain that they do not offend. For example, 'An Englishman, Irishman and an alcoholic walk into a bar…'"

Gimme shelter

STILL rubbish weather out there. As musician Ingrid Henderson put it: "That moment when you shelter from a bad rain shower under a tree - then realise you could be there for weeks."

Big day

A LENZIE reader swears to us that his wife was sitting sobbing on the bed on the day of their son's wedding when she had gone to get ready. He put his arm around her and told her it was inevitable that he would get married, and not to take it so badly. "No, you idiot," she told him holding up a dress. "I used to be able to get into that."

Driving deal

IN research that should surprise no-one, the company We Buy Any Car has discovered that Glaswegians on holiday are more likely to haggle to buy things abroad than anyone else in Scotland.

In contrast, folk from Edinburgh were among the worst at trying to negotiate a discount.

It somehow reminds us of the Glaswegian buying a new car who told the salesman that if he could sweeten the deal by throwing in a full tank of petrol then he would take it. "We couldn't go that far," said the salesman, "but what if we knocked £200 off the price?"

Science style

DAFT gags at the Fringe? A reader hears a stand-up claim: "Got an invite to a party. It said look smart. So I wore a lab coat and carried a beaker."

Winging it

WE asked who would be in the remake of Hitchcock's The Birds on which Holywood is working, and Andy Ewan in Dunoon suggested: "Possible candidates are Ethan Hawke, Steve Martin, Tim Robbins and Debra Winger, while it is difficult to know why Hitchcock overlooked Peter Finch and Anthony Quayle for the original."

Lost in translation

A COLLEAGUE wanders over to interrupt us with: "There is something romantic about French sayings. They have a certain I don't know what."

In a nutshell

WE mentioned the fairy tale Cinderella being deconstructed. George Tomlinson passes on: "James Joyce's Ulysses. Man walks round the town, wife stays in bed."