THE little chap was haring and tearing up and down the bread aisle.
You can't really blame him. The supermarket is not the most riveting place for young people and bread is a palate of beige unenlivening to toddler senses. It's not like it was the dairy aisle. There's colours in the dairy aisle.
Anyway, the wee fellow, I'd put him at a comfortable age three, was giving his mum a tricky time. I spotted her next move a mile off.
"Martin!" she shouted. "The lady's watching!"
Now. Wait a minute. I'm just here for some tattie scones. I'm not here to provide a disciplinary service for your child. I'm not watching. I'm trying to work out whether the own brand scones will measure up to the lures of Rankin's potato farls. That is task enough.
Besides, I could be anyone. I could be the sweetest natured push over Martin will ever encounter. In which case, he can harum scarum all about the shop and my gentle reproaches aren't going to make the blindest bit of different.
I might be a witch, of Roald Dahl fame. My reproaches may be too much. Would you like Martin, mum, were he rodent?
It's not uncommon, this kiddy-wrangling tactic, to use strangers as a boundary setting measure. It's why Santa, Mrs Clause and all the elves have my full sympathy at this time of year.
The Lady is no longer for turning and helping you out by giving a stern stare to your marauding toddler. She doesn't have to. It's Santa gets it in the neck this time of year.
"Put that down, or Santa won't come." "Get down off that, Santa's watching." I have seen, this year, on Facebook, bespoke letters from Santa's elves telling the offspring of my friends that they have been very good this year...but simultaneously chiding them for actual transgressions.
Imagine that. You can write off to Santa with a list of your kid's wrongdoings, stored up over the previous twelve months, and have a third party, an elf, tell them not to do it again - or else.
I think it's important to be straight with children, no matter how small they are. This discipline-by-proxy does no one favours.
So, it was to my delight that Santa Claus was caught riding atop the Duke of Wellington's statue in Glasgow on Wednesday.
Reports from the scene claim an onlooker yelled, "Santa'll be doing porridge!" To which Santa cried back, "Fine, as long as it's got sugar on it."
I'm not sure why that little vignette so captured my imagination but it's not exactly the gold standard for behaviour, is it?
But Bad Santa has done everyone a favour. If you want your kid to not do that, you'll just have to tell them yourself.
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