THERE are many things to admire about the Scandinavians.
Thinking citizens of Scotia Minor look at their neighbours with awe and wish to emulate them.
We shall never be like them per se, which is fine, as they tend to be obedient, conformist and, frankly, Vulcan. We, on the other hand, are thrawn, spontaneous and irrational.
But Scandinavian rationality leads to enlightened legislation, no more than in the Swedish law that bans dancing in public spaces. I would go further and ban it in private spaces, but let's not get ahead of ourselves.
In Sweden, owners of public spaces such as bars and clubs must have a dance permit, and risk being fined if customers "dance spontaneously and without permission".
You can land yourself, or your venue, in trouble for "illegally moving your feet to music". To someone like me, who sees dancing as Satan's gyrating, this is music to my feet. Illegally moving your feet to music: I might get that as a tattoo.
Alas, while I referred earlier to Scandinavian conformity and obedience, there are of course some dissidents, and their high-pitched voices have been raised against the law, which was recently ratified by the Swedish parliament.
Indeed, since 2007, members of parliament have tried on 17 occasions to abolish the law, while other anarchist wreckers have described it as an "embarrassing bureaucratic relic".
Nightclub owner Anders Varveus, who is planning a street dancing protest in August, made this bizarre claim: "How you want to move your own body is not a matter for regulation."
He expects around 10,000 malcontents and devil-worshippers to join his irresponsible protest against what he called "this ridiculous law".
No discussion of the ridiculous in Sweden can take place without the permission of the police, who have backed the law, saying that permits are necessary because dancing creates disorder and can lead to fighting. Ain't that the truth? Worse still, it can lead to marriage.
Dancing is essentially a mating ritual that encourages inappropriate behaviour between consenting and intoxicated adults. In Britain, for centuries, it was only allowed at the Summer Equinox until 1967 when Sir David Steele's Free Love and Dancing Act was passed by the House of Commons.
Since then, disorder and fighting have broken out at weekends in every major city. We must now take our lead from the progressive Swedes who do not tolerate unregulated foot movements.
Alas, I fear Holyrood is essentially a democratic disco. At the time of writing, First Minister Nicola Sturgeon has declined to even consider a dancing ban. Sources say she taps her feet lewdly while listening to Abba's Dancing Queen. I wouldn't put it past her.
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