What is black and pink and hot on one side?
Why, it's the latest offering from the bbq. Hmmm, don't mind if I don't.
It's three degrees outside and threatening rain, so, it must be National BBQ week, the annual celebration of obstinate optimism over experience.
The chasm between the advertiser's vision of this feast and the grim, teeth-chittering, insect-infested reality is vast. Yet, fired up by memories of al fresco dining on our holidays, we still strive for that dream.
You know the script. Two hours after everyone has arrived and just as their stomachs start to digest themselves, the coals finally reach cooking heat.
Delirious with a hunger that cannot be sated by crisps alone, a salivating crowd begins to gather near the fire pit. Distracted small talk ensues despite great guffs of smoke periodically threatening to suffocate all in attendance. Finally, a plateful of charred remains are served up along with a now limp salad and now warm glass of wine.
One of my earliest bbq-related memories is of an ill-fated evening (mid-summer I might add) on the edge of Loch Morlich near Aviemore. As the rest of the family sought shelter from the elements amongst a nearby copse, my dad, who, this being outdoor cooking, had assumed the unlikely role of chef d'extraordinaire, maintained his stance in front of the portable fire.
The image of him sporting a parka with the funnel hood fully zipped up while batting midges from his bare legs is one which will stick with me for life. I'd love to say the spoils were worth the effort.
In recent years, self-appointed lifestyle gurus have now latched onto the barbecue as a potential area for playing on our hosting insecurities. In the past, the one saving grace of this dining choice was its caveman-like simplicity, its lack of pretension.
No longer. Where once a hill of dubious-looking meat-based products would suffice, with the odd corn-on-the-cob lobbed on to placate those awkward veggies, now there seems to be an expectation of the kind of culinary show-boating which sucked the fun out of dinner parties.
Now it's all swordfish kebabs, Moroccan-spiced pizzas, individual green beans stuffed with tabbouleh or nudging the food poisoning risk higher still with a spot of lime-juice drizzled seafood.
And then there is the gear. This year's crop of must-have bbq essentials includes a smoker which will set you back a cool £1250 - equivalent to the average working person's monthly pay. It's enough to make you choke on your partially-cooked chicken wing.
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