So, footballer Jermain Defoe is offering £50-£60k a year – what he earns in a week – for a new PA.
I’m tempted, obviously. Who wouldn’t be? But before I rush off to fill out an application, I suppose I’d better consider the range of skills needed to bag this job of a lifetime.
According to an advert placed on employment website SecsintheCity, not only will the successful candidate be charged with organising the Sunderland striker’s diary, creating a global brand worthy of his name, helping design a new clothing line and fragrance, managing a portfolio of properties and producing smartphone apps, they’ll also be responsible for organising the Defoe family’s domestic arrangements (and those of the pets, obviously). Daily duties include ensuring Jermain’s fridge is full at all times, organising his lunch and, crucially, picking up the dry cleaning.
The regular hours of the role are 9.30am, to 5.30pm, apparently, but the ad makes clear some out of hours and weekend work will be necessary. (This is summed up in the bit that says the postholder will be “on call 24/7”).
On second thoughts, maybe this isn’t the job for me. After all, I’ve no experience of creating global brands. Or picking up dry cleaning.
So, who does have the skills to take on this formidable challenge?
If I was Joan Holloway from Mad Men, right now I’d be polishing my CV with confidence. TV’s most famous secretary surely has all the right attributes: absolute discretion, the ability to juggle different tasks, a 1960s attitude to the boss/PA relationship.
Or what about Mary Poppins? Being practically perfect in every way sounds like a minimum requirement if you want to work for Jermain, who clearly has something of a Louis XIV complex.
Okay, perhaps pointing out that Premiership footballers tend to be monstrously overpaid oiks that wouldn’t know a moral compass if it hit them in the goolies is hardly original.
But this advertisement, in all its grim, irony-free glory, surely serves a purpose by offering a rare, unguarded peak into the world of the super rich. And what do we find? Nothing much of substance, by the look of things. Certainly nothing worth working 24/7 for.
Which is probably just as well. If we really, truly, envied these modern Sun Kings their vacuous lives then who knows where it would all end. Louis XVI, of course, lost his head.
In the meantime, let’s wish Jermain all the best in finding the right person for the job. In fact, what’s Katie Hopkins doing these days? She certainly knows how to build a brand…
Why are you making commenting on The Herald only available to subscribers?
It should have been a safe space for informed debate, somewhere for readers to discuss issues around the biggest stories of the day, but all too often the below the line comments on most websites have become bogged down by off-topic discussions and abuse.
heraldscotland.com is tackling this problem by allowing only subscribers to comment.
We are doing this to improve the experience for our loyal readers and we believe it will reduce the ability of trolls and troublemakers, who occasionally find their way onto our site, to abuse our journalists and readers. We also hope it will help the comments section fulfil its promise as a part of Scotland's conversation with itself.
We are lucky at The Herald. We are read by an informed, educated readership who can add their knowledge and insights to our stories.
That is invaluable.
We are making the subscriber-only change to support our valued readers, who tell us they don't want the site cluttered up with irrelevant comments, untruths and abuse.
In the past, the journalist’s job was to collect and distribute information to the audience. Technology means that readers can shape a discussion. We look forward to hearing from you on heraldscotland.com
Comments & Moderation
Readers’ comments: You are personally liable for the content of any comments you upload to this website, so please act responsibly. We do not pre-moderate or monitor readers’ comments appearing on our websites, but we do post-moderate in response to complaints we receive or otherwise when a potential problem comes to our attention. You can make a complaint by using the ‘report this post’ link . We may then apply our discretion under the user terms to amend or delete comments.
Post moderation is undertaken full-time 9am-6pm on weekdays, and on a part-time basis outwith those hours.
Read the rules here