Banking on it
THE Herald story that Bank of Scotland customers can take selfies in order to open an online account reminds Cameron Thomson in Strathaven: “When I was a young teller in a branch in Larkhall I was more than a little zealous when applying the rules. I was approached by a local worthy who wanted £10 from his savings account, and I insisted on asking for ID. This prompted the gentleman to turn to his pal in the queue behind him and say, ‘Tell this wean who ahm ur’ which brought a confirmation announcement of, ‘Aye, it’s him’.
“ID process complete, he got his tenner.”
You dancers
WHAT happened to Scotland the other night? Says Sid Leslie: “I see in Quotes of the Day in The Herald that Vanessa Feltz laments the shortage of duffers, no-hopers and clodhoppers with two left feet in this year’s Strictly Come Dancing. Perhaps the BBC may wish to contact the Scottish football squad ?”
It takes a woman
A JONATHAN Mackie tried to be a bit clever on social media by stating: “Scotland have failed to qualify for a major football tourney since devolution. Time to end the disastrous democratic experiment.”
It was the First Minister herself, Nicola Sturgeon, who replied: “Ahem ... only the men. Our women’s team are in the Euros!”
Having a laugh ... or not
THE foul-mouthed comedian Roy Chubby Brown is appearing in Dunfermline and Inverness next month as part of his latest tour. It reminds us of his autobiography when Roy admitted he initially struggled in Scotland. He wrote: “The first night I played Penicuik working men’s club, as rough a club as any. I lasted two minutes. The next night I was in Lesmahagow. Paid off after 10 minutes.
“On the Tuesday I played Rosyth naval yard. The wives loved me even more than the sailors did. Standing ovation. The following night I was paid off at Kilmarnock, at which point my agent suggested I came home. ‘They don’t know talent when they see it,’ he said.”
Fur goodness sake
A WHITECRAIGS reader tells us a woman got on the train into Glasgow yesterday began rubbing at her coat, and told her pal: “Every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it.”
Rhyming off your illnesses “I NEVER realised when I was younger,” said the member of an Ayrshire golf club the other day, “that the nursery rhyme ‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes,’ was simply a list of what would give you bother once you hit retirement age.”
Going to his head
HALLOWE’EN soon, and a reader working out his costume tells us: “The great thing about dressing up as Donald Trump is that no matter how fake your wig is, you will still look like Donald Trump.”
Souper suggestion
TODAY’S piece of whimsy comes from Neil in Hull who says: “I imagine all the soups have mastered the fake smile and ‘well done, you thoroughly deserve it’ face, for when Soup of the Day is announced.”
Getting a lift A NEW series of the Scottish comedy Burnistoun is being filmed. One of its best known sketches is the lads losing their rag when a voice-activated lift could not recognise their Scottish accents saying “Eleven”.
An American scientist sent the directors a detailed two-page explanation of why that was unlikely to happen, suggesting perhaps that some Americans did not realise it was humour.
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