Cashing in his chips

STV claimed that Canadian singer Justin Bieber popped into a branch of the Blue Lagoon chip shop chain for a haggis supper and a can of Irn-Bru after his show at Glasgow’s Hydro. They stated that he handed over £20.

We like an unimpressed Colin Bell on social media who commented: “Justin Bieber comes to Glasgow and pays £20 for a haggis supper and a can of Irn-Bru? They saw you coming, mate. Absolutely stitched up.”

Not masking her feelings

SIGNS you are getting old, continued. Alan Barlow in Paisley was going to the pub with his pal yesterday, and as it was Hallowe’en suggested to his wife that they could dress up as Jack and Victor from Still Game. “Good idea,” she replied. “You won’t need any masks.”

Going to the dogs

SAD to see that former Kilmarnock MP Willie McKelvey, one of life’s decent people, has died. Willie was such a man of the people, he even owned greyhounds. He once gave a Herald sports writer a tip on the horses but added: “Just to warn you – my tips have put more folk in the grubber than the Thatcher Government.”

Being an Ayrshire MP he was influenced by The Bard, and when the boring subject of subsidiarity came up at Westminster, Willie told the Scottish Secretary: “Will he relate with clarity, to Charity McGarrity from Inverarity, that she will not have subsidiarity, but that she, like the rest of Scotland, will have to remain in the mode of subserviarity?”

Sadly Ian Lang was not able to rhyme his dull answer.

Banter from the terraces

WE’VE not mentioned clever terracing chants for a while. Elliot Owens tells us that on Saturday in the English National League, Dagenham were playing at Forest Green where the home supporters gathered behind the goal of Dagenham keeper Elliot Justham, and kept on chanting: “You’re just a c*** Tesco sandwich.”

Getting in the spirit

A GLASGOW reader heard a chap in the pub at lunchtime yesterday recount with shaken head that young workmates had dressed up for Hallowe’en in the office. When asked why he had not joined in, he replied: “I did. I went as a zombie, and slouched half-dead at my desk – like every other day.”

Forever in his debt

TALKING of pubs, we were in one at the weekend when a toper declared: “They say, ‘Always leave them wanting more’. Coincidentally that’s always been my approach to paying bills.”

Raising an eyebrow

A READER in the west end hears a student in Byres Road apologise to her flatmate: “Look, I’m sorry I screamed when you came in the room.

“I really thought it was a spider on your face. I didn’t know it was your fake eyelashes.”

Sounds like vowels ...

A SOUTH side reader swears to us that he thought he would test his little son home from primary school by asking him to name all the vowels.

The youngster hesitated, and started to say: “Ah ... eh... I, oh ... ”

“Close enough,” said his dad.

Beyond the pail

WAS trying to look busy yesterday, but it didn’t stop a colleague marching up and opining: “Heartbreaking to note that if Jack and Jill had invested in indoor plumbing they might not have had such a terrible time.”