We’ve got your number

SIR Vince Cable, the former Glasgow councillor, is to stand for the leadership of the Liberal Democrats at the age of 74. As Nihal Arthanayake put it in perspective: “Sir Vince is 74 years old. That means by the next General Election he will be 74.”

Incidentally, if he succeeds, the average age of the leaders of the three main parties in England will be 67. It was 47 just two years ago.

In a spin

NICE sunny day in Glasgow yesterday but not as warm as the south of England. As Gordon Johnstone down south remarked: “They should turn all them stupid wind farms onto full power to cool us down.”

Flight risk

GLASGOW Airport busy these days with holidaymakers heading off. A reader at the airport heard a chap with an elderly lady beside him who was scanning the departure board remark: “We’re so early mum, they haven’t even heard of your plane.”

Close, but no cigar

A BARRHEAD reader tells us that he went to see Brian Cox in the new film about Churchill and was surprised to see that the Board of Censors certificate at the start of the film warned that it contained “mild swearing and scenes of smoking.”

He wondered why we had to be warned about smoking, and then wondered why anyone watching a film about Churchill would need to be forewarned.

A bridge too far

THE new bridge at Queensferry is to open at the end of August. It reminds us of when Boris Johnson’s Foreign Office announced on social media that the bridge would soon open, but unfortunately using a picture of the nearby Forth road bridge.

After receiving much criticism, the Foreign Office then posted: “Any misunderstanding is water under the bridge.”

Sticky fingers

GROWING old continued. We liked the colourful description by Steff Todd who remarked: “My dad types out a text on his phone like he’s on the final attempt of his PIN code.”

Colourful playing

OUR school story about ink wells - we said it was well down memory lane - reminds Brian Donohoe: “My father told me about taking the music teacher’s piano front cover off and placing full ink wells on the keys, then replacing the cover so they were invisible.

“In came the teacher, and with his usual theatrical manner began playing the piano to great delight of the pupils when seeing the ink running towards his fingers.”

Wrong gear

A READER hears a fellow member of his Ayrshire golf club comment: “The people who make car commercials grossly overestimate the amount of time I spend driving around in a desert.”

EU know it is

THE negotiations to leave the EU seem quite complex. Mike Pearce explains it: “British negotiators, ‘Here is our list of demands for leaving the EU.’ EU negotiators, ‘You do know this list describes all the benefits of being IN the EU, right?’”

Bit of a card

OH dear, a colleague sees I’m at my desk and bears down on me. “I ordered stuff online and stupidly used my donor card instead of my debit card,” he tells me. “Cost me an arm and a leg.”