Tour de force

EVEN in this weather there are tourists about in Glasgow. Tour guide Jenny Constable reveals: "Spent a solid 20 minutes telling an American couple that 'no, there’s no castle in Glasgow' even though they insisted that there’d been one when they visited 20 years ago. They eventually left after calling me a liar and saying they’d ask elsewhere."

Used to be one on the site of the Royal Infirmary, would you believe. Time to build a new one, surely.

Sweet deal

BUMP into our old chum journalist Paul Drury who tells us: "Kind shopper at Glasgow supermarket notices till operator explaining to a girl of about nine that she does not have enough for her sweets. Chivalrous shopper offers to pay the difference, but was taken aback when he was asked for £2.50. Nevertheless, he brandishes a tenner and says, 'Take it off this'.

"The wee girls skips away and the guy says jokingly, 'Bet she tries that every week'. The till operator’s face fell. 'You mean she’s not with you? I just gave her your change!'"

Born to run

AUDIENCE tales, continued. Roy Gardiner in Kilmarnock recalls: "Attending the much awaited Springsteen reunion tour in 1999 I was amazed when, after only 45 minutes, the couple next to me decided to leave after the man said that 'he's played our song, let's go '. A mere 2 hours 45 minutes remained of the concert. The song was The River. Just as well it wasn't the opener."

Not so mad

TRAVELLERS often ask website TripAdvisor for help, and a 19-year-old from Boston in the US wrote this week: "Hey there! I'm going to Glasgow and was wondering if there was any way I can make some friends. My friends, who were suppose to go with me told me they don’t want to go any more, so I’m flying solo."

After various suggestions about pubs, tours, cafes and so on, a chap who calls himself Mad Scotsman astutely replied: "Stand at a bus stop and mention the weather."

Cottoned on

THE Herald reported that tickets for Disneyland in America have gone up considerably with tickets for peak days rising to nearly £100. It reminds us of the teacher who got a phone call from an angry mother who said her son had arrived home from gym without his towel, stating that someone must have taken it and adding: "No-one respects other people's property these days." Hoping it would turn up the teacher asked for a description and she said: "Striped with Disneyland Hotel written on it."

On the chin

A READER hears a woman in the west end tell her pal: "I can't believe, nearly 40 and I've suddenly got a big spot on my chin. Still, at least I can tell folk I have the body of an 18-year-old."

Before it kicked off

YES, Valentine's Day yesterday and we wonder if any chap had the nerve to say to their partner: "Well, do you fancy Madrid or Paris tonight?" "Oh my goodness, are we flying off there?" she might reply. "No," he would say, "I just wondered which team you fancied in the Champions League tonight."

Bricking it

WE hear that Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson was giving an important talk yesterday on leaving the EU. We turn to Paul Davies who explains: "If you missed Boris Johnson’s speech, imagine a kid who threw a brick through your window trying to convince you that you’re better off with the brick than your window."