Capped it

WE asked for your porridge stories, and Ian Craig in Strathaven recalls: "In the early 60s my late Uncle Jimmy farmed near Hairmyres, before the new town of East Kilbride consumed his land. I watched his wife pour the morning porridge into a drawer of the parlour dresser whereupon it cooled, set, and was served sliced at lunchtime. However Uncle Jimmy’s greatest trick was to put any table leftovers into his bunnet which was worn constantly. He would then place the bunnet on the floor for the dog to eat from. Thereafter said bunnet was placed immediately back on his head. Fermers!"

Cast a spell

PEOPLE can actually be nice to each other on social media. Former St Andrews student Niki Torch wrote to her pals: "Three a.m. thoughts: it just occurred to me that my 16-year-old self never proofread her letter to JK Rowling, which she read and replied to, and now all I can think about is how JK Rowling once thought I couldn’t spell the word ‘pursue’. Sleep will evade me further, I am sure.'

Harry Potter author JK herself replied with: "I don’t care about spelling when I’m answering letters, I care about the person who took the time and trouble to contact me! Also, you should have seen how many tries it took me to get ‘acquiescence’ right yesterday."

Bit of a heel

SO how would SNP leader Nicola Sturgeon take to the stage at her party conference? Would she do an awkward drunk aunty dance like Theresa May? Nicola just walked on and told the crowd: "I can barely walk in these heels. Dancing was never an option.”

Legged it

GROWING old continued. It says much for the age of the fellow passengers that when reader Jim Morrison returned from a five-day coach trip to Yorkshire with a coach load of Scottish pensioners, the driver announced on the last day: "Now we are heading for home, I hope you have not forgotten anything like yer specks or yer hearing aid or yer wig or yer false teeth, glass eye or widden leg as we are not back here later, thank you”.

It's a date

A GLASGOW reader swears to us that a young man in his local returned from a blind date to be asked by his pals: "Well, was it true when she wrote that she did a bit of modelling?" but he told them: "Sadly it was a spelling error. Turns out she likes yodelling."


IAIN Martin sees that the design for the Royal Bank's new polymer £20 note being issued next year features Miss Cranston, of Willow tea-room in Glasgow fame and wonders: "I hope that will be enough to pay for tea for two in the expensively refurbished Willow tea-room."

Hard to swallow

OUR beer tales remind Freddy Gillies: "A punter in a Campbeltown bar noticed on returning from a visit to the gents that the level of his pint had noticeably dropped. Before answering a further call of nature he propped a little note on the glass on which was written, ‘I spat in this pint’. On completing his lavatorial needs he was nonplussed indeed to discover that someone had added the legend to his message, ‘So did I’."