Stuck oar in

WELL, that was a fascinating set of election results in the US. As journalist McKay Coppins revealed: "My wife and I got back from voting and found our five-year-old in tears that she didn't get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy. On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went 'boating'."

Seeing red

A MINOR point, I know, but if you were following the American elections on the telly, you would probably agree with Karl Sharro who said: "What annoys me about American politics is that they go against the international system of red for the left and blue for the right."

Diary date

"NOW that Guy Fawkes night is passed, will you now start plugging the new Diary book as a Christmas present?" asks a curious reader. Well, not that often, we reply, but just to say that the new The Herald Diary book, in a fetching light blue cover, is in the shops and includes the story of the Stirling chap who revealed: "Guy from the TV licensing chapped my uncle's pal's door who told him he didnae have a telly, and the guy was like, 'You've got an aerial on your roof'.

"He replied, 'I've got a pint of milk in the fridge – disnae mean I've got a coo oot the back,' and shut the door."

Out with a bang

TALKING of Guy Fawkes night, reader Dougie Campbell claims: "The recent goings-on with Bonfire Night reminded me of another job that I lost, when I worked for a fireworks company who put on displays set to music. They gave me one to organise but it went badly wrong, and when they paid me off they said I was bang out of order."


THE Herald news story about health campaigners urging the Government to introduce a meat tax reminds us of the wee wummin who was in a Largs butcher-shop but was dithering over what size of steak pie to get. The butcher, trying to help, asked how many it was to feed. Without hesitation, she replied: "Two and a dug."

Pulled out stops

CONGRATULATIONS to Kelvingrove Art Gallery and Museum which is now ranked 1st on Tripadvisor's Top Art Museums in the UK list. Many of those giving the Glasgow museum top marks praised the lunchtime recitals on the giant organ. But just to prove that there is always one, a visitor from Perth gave it a marking of "Poor" on the site and added: "At lunchtime, I am subject to noisy organ recitals. I know some like this but I do not." So that's you told Kelvingrove.

Red face

GROWING old continued. A Glasgow south side reader confesses: "We were heading for a holiday in the sun and my wife told me to get Boots Soltan Once cream at the Mearns shopping centre. Into the chemist I go and scour the shelves to no avail. I asked the help of a teenage assistant. "Could you tell me where I can find Boots Soltan Once?" She replied: "You could try Boots next door. You're in Superdrug." As a parting shot I said: "Now, don't you go talking about me when you go home the night."

Her smile helped.


TODAY'S piece of whimsy comes from Paul Eggleston who says: "Just downloaded a fancy new app that reviews high street clothing stores! What will they think of Next?"