Leagues apart

OK a football joke to mark the start of this year's Australian jungle adventure on the telly. Asks a reader: "With former manager Harry Redknapp taking part, will I'm a Celebrity be relegated to ITV2 by Christmas?"


HERALD feature writer Alison Rowat wrote on Saturday about how to be truly posh. It reminded Duncan Shaw in Kilwinning: "My aunt and uncle lived in Glasgow's west end. In the flat below was a retired doctor who took herself off to Fraser’s in Buchanan Street where she made a purchase which was to be delivered the next day. The item arrived, but as she observed, in an Arnott’s van. She waited until the men had lugged the box to her door and told them to 'take it back and deliver it tomorrow in a Fraser’s van.' Which they did."

Taking the ...

WHERE does the west end cease to be? There is a creeping gentrification heading north on Queen Margaret Drive, but as writer Deedee Cuddihy observed: "The William Cafe likes to think of itself as in the west end but judging by this recent event, still has some way to go. I had only been there for five minutes when a slightly scary looking character came through the door and, zeroing in on owner Sandy Welch, said, 'My catheter bag has burst and I need £2 to get to hospital on the bus.' 'Well that was a first' said Sandy to his bemused customers, having given the guy, a complete stranger, the £2 he had asked for."


STILL trying to work out the Brexit deal which somehow leaves the country tied to the EU? A reader emails: "We should call it the Hotel California deal after the Eagles song. As they put it, 'You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave!'"

A heads up

READERS are still taken with the cute remarks of little ones. Says Sam Brown: "At church recently, the minister said 'Let us pray'. As is customary everyone bowed their heads and closed their eyes. My two-year-old grandchild looked at the couple behind, and seeing them thus, exclaimed, 'Wake up sleepy heads!' Much mirth from congregation."

Pater meus

CELTIC and Rangers fans are either stunned or delighted by Irish actor Liam Neeson singing a drunken version of The Sash on the just released Coen Brothers film The Ballad of Buster Scruggs. It reminds us of our sadly departed colleague Colm Brogan who years ago decided to wind-up bitter Protestant preacher Pastor Jack Glass by sending him a copy of The Sash translated into Latin - he even got it to rhyme. However Colm was mildly perturbed when the pastor turned up at The Herald's old offices in Albion Street asking to see him. To Pastor Jack's credit however, he only wanted to shake Colm's hand.

Wooden performance

LAUGHS from the courtroom, continued. Norrie Christie recalls his mum smiling as she returned home after doing jury service in the High Court. She told of a witness's response to a question on how a person had gained entry to her house. "It was 7 o’clock when a chap came to the door". The prosecutor interrupted to ask if it was the man who was standing in the box. "No" said the witness, "it was a wummin". "I thought you said it was a chap?" asked the prosecutor. "Naw" said the witness, "A chap came to the door" and to clarify, she chapped the wooden panel at the front of the witness box."

Cutting remark

NEW Zealand accents continue to enthral readers. Says John Eskdale: "Having a haircut in New Zealand, I was told by the barber that she had just come back from Venus. Understandably I began to feel a little uncomfortable at the thought of a lunatic with a pair of scissors behind me, till she added that she had really enjoyed the gondola trip and the Bridge of Sighs."