Driving at
IF you are taking a rest from last-minute Christmas shopping, here are a few of our favourite Christmas stories from Diaries past, including the delivery driver at this time of year who was nicknamed The Wife at his depot – the reason being, according to his workmates, that he always took things the wrong way.
Got it licked
YOU don't see them as much as you used to, but there was once a fashion for novelty musical socks. A Paisley reader given a pair for Christmas was wearing them at a year-end managers' meeting, when he accidentally activated the socks, and a tinny Jingle Bells filled the room. The company director, up from York, halted his speech, looked out the window, and declared: "Selling ice cream at this time of year – you Scots are a hardy lot.”
Pull the wool
WE did hear of the student in Glasgow who was telling his pals that he had got a cheque for £30 from his gran for Christmas. He later thanked her, and when she asked, replied that he had spent it on a jumper. He then added: "It seemed the easiest way of saying I'd opened an online account with Ladbrokes."
Bit of a blow
AH yes, the office Christmas parties. One Glasgow worker once told us: "At our office do we could bring our partners, so my wife met many of my co-workers for the first time. I can now tell how attractive the women in my office are by the number of times my wife told me an individual looked like a tramp.”
We also liked the story of the girl who arrived at her office Christmas party straight from a session in a tanning salon. Worried that the goggles had left a white ring around her eyes she asked her pal: "Do I look like a clown?" "Put it this way, Sophie," her pal replied, "Ah wouldnae be surprised if weans start asking' ye fur balloons.”
Let's face it
CHRISTMAS present buying, and a reader once tried to persuade her aged mum on the benefits of computers. When her mum asked what would she do with one, our reader told her that she could go on Facebook, and keep in touch with her friends. "At my age," replied her mum, "I'd need a ouija board.”
Slipped off
ALAS folk will next week be returning unwanted Christmas presents. A reader in one store heard the elderly chap in the queue in front of her say the slippers he was given didn't fit, and he suspected there was something wrong with the size printed on the baffies. The assistant took the slippers to check they were undamaged, then asked the shopper: "Did you take the tissue out of the toes before trying them on?" Exit one embarrassed shopper.
In a spin
THIS is also the time of year when students return home for the Christmas holidays. One student down at Leeds told us that before catching the train to Glasgow her mum insisted on the phone: "Bring your laundry with you. I don't mind doing it."
But after getting home she heard her mother on the phone to a friend: "Typical student. She walked in the door with a big bag of washing for me to do.”
Made to scale
A TECHIE teacher with a contract at Shotts Prison told us he once suggested to his class that they could make Christmas presents. "One inmate said he would like to make something that would ensure his wife and weans had a happy Christmas. 'What's that?' I asked, thinking sledges and little wooden toys. 'A f****** ladder,' replied the inmate.”
Dressing down
WE'VE tried to keep politics out of this column but we do recall the pantomime a couple of years ago when Widow Twankey in Aladdin was asked: "I see you're wearing your Brexit dress!" The old biddy replied: "Yes. The second I'm out of it we'll all be having second thoughts.”
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