Snow joke

THE snow across Scotland reminds us of a few bad weather stories in The Diary over the years, including the discussion in an East Kilbride pub about the worst winters that had been experienced in living memory. "Mike and Bernie," piped up one toper.

Slippery slope

THE bad weather does bring out the caring side in us. A reader once passed an elderly couple tottering into East Kilbride's shopping centre and told us: "I was impressed to see the husband taking his wife's arm in his, as the ground was slippery with the new snow.

"Only when I got closer did I hear him say nice and clearly, 'Now, if you fall, let go of me, as you're no taking me wi' ye'."

Flaky

THEN there was the Glaswegian who said he went to see a fortune teller when he was down at Blackpool. "She told me that she could see me in the middle of a huge snow storm heading towards a log cabin. I had to interrupt her to tell her she'd picked up her snow globe by mistake.”

Didn't chime

A MILNGAVIE reader once told us about his late father-in-law, who was of Italian extraction, operating an ice-cream van after the war, and during one bad winter he drove to Kilbowie Roundabout, Clydebank, and rang his bell. The snow was falling heavily as a door opened, and a man wrapped in a heavy overcoat came out and trudged through the snow to the van. He asked: "Are you selling ice cream?" The van owner answered yes in anticipation of a large order but the man just told him: "You're bloody mad!" before trudging back into his house.

Gritty

AND, of course, a reader once gave us the line: "I was walking along the pavement when I got sprayed by a snowplough. 'Moron,' I said, through gritted teeth.”

Clowning around

AT least the snow helps Scotland's ski slopes. A news agency years ago hurriedly phoned The Herald to take back a story it had sent about a drunk dressed as a clown being sought by police on Ben Nevis. It explained that someone had misunderstood when they overheard a Fort William police officer telling a colleague: "There is some clown stuck up the Ben.”

And you may think the snow is great for the weans but as one mother once told us: "Nobody has to pee more than a small child moments after you have wrestled them into a onesie snow-suit.”

In training

THE train announcers at Edinburgh's Haymarket Station used to introduce humour when they could. A reader was there once when snow was causing chaos during the evening rush hour. There was confusion about what trains were still running and the announcer came on to tell folk: "Please note we are having weather problems. That is whether or not the next train to arrive will be for Dunblane or Glasgow, or whether one arrives at all."

Got our vote

WE should also mention the classic line from the Glasgow pensioner who told his neighbour: "The snow's gone into full politician mode. It's lyin’."