Going for gold

WELL, we gave you plenty of warnings so if you forgot it was Valentine's Day then it's your own fault. We only mention it again as a reader emails: "I told my friends that my husband makes love like an Olympic athlete. They seemed shocked, but impressed, until I added, 'Once every four years'."

And less harshly, Simon Holland observes: "You may be married, but you aren’t married married until you are in a home furnishings store together and you brought your own tape measure."

Head case

WEBSITE Football Scotland has been asking if football fans are dealt with more strictly than rugby fans when it comes to stewarding and policing. Among the football fans who responded was a Partick Thistle supporter who said: "Stewards took my favourite juice cup away when I was seven." Another attending a Celtic game recalled: "At Parkhead I got screamed at to sit in my seat which was non-existent. I had to crouch and pretend to sit so I didn't get thrown out."

And our favourite: "Just when the headset mics came in I asked the polis going into Airdrie v Morton if he was trying to be Madonna. Needless to say I waited in the pub for the bus back."

Question asked

MUCH discussion in The Herald over the BBC asking a failed UKIP candidate to appear on Question Time four times when it was broadcast from Scotland. As Stuart Gray opines: "What’s the difference between 'Question Time' and 'Gardeners’ Question Time'?

Not much. They’re both BBC shows which focus on plants."

Seeing red

CONGRATULATIONS to the actors' union Equity celebrating its 90th birthday. We recall a Scots doctor who earned his Equity card by appearing in a Ken Loach film as a doctor, and bringing along his own coat. He told us: "I impressed Ken with my white coat having a red stain on it. I forgot to mention that I had spilled tomato sauce on it while grabbing some food from the film unit's chuck wagon.''

Tackling a problem

CHILDREN'S charity Variety Scotland are holding a tribute night to former manager and player Graeme Souness in Glasgow in May with Walter Smith and Chick Young amongst the speakers. I know we're repeating ourselves but we always liked the story told of Billy McNeill, when Celtic manager, telling feisty midfielder Peter Grant before a crucial Old Firm game to go out and kick lumps out of Graeme Souness. Peter said he was concerned he would get sent off but Billy reassured him: "Don't worry - they'll miss him more than we'll miss you."

Senior moment

GROWING old, continued. Says Dave Biggart in Kilmalcolm: "You know you are really growing old when you phone your plumber and he has retired, you phone your electrician and he has retired and, oh no, you phone your dentist and he has retired."

To chew on

DAFT gag from a reader who phones to tell us: "My doc said to me, 'I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news.' I was seriously worried until he added, 'By the time I pulled them out of his mouth he had chewed them pretty badly."

Good advice

AND today's piece of whimsy comes from Ian Power who muses: "From what I've seen, 'Always be yourself' is really bad advice for most people."