Top that

GLASGOW buses have always figured prominently in the Diary. Tom Rafferty took the 9A to Penilee the other night and tells us: "A furious bloke was venting to someone on his mobile about all the bad things that had befallen him that day; at length. His misery was compounded when he flipped open his pizza box, and he exploded (I have cleaned this up as much as possible) 'Aw naw! Naw! Cheeky b******! No flipping topping on my pizza!'

"The box was upside down. So when he grabbed a slice anyway, he burnt his fingers on the hot cheese and howled."

That's the spirit

WE asked for your wedding gift stories, and a reader directs us to a wedding advice website where a young woman writes: "A lady I used to work with dropped by my house today to drop off our wedding gift. She opened her handbag and handed over six glass tumblers, not in a box or wrapped or anything. She then went on to tell me how thankful I should be as she had to "down six vodkas" to steal these glasses from a restaurant she attended.

"I was so shocked and thought she was kidding – she wasn't. Do I send a thank you card for this?"

More haste

JIM McCrudden in Dublin reports: "A work colleague recently accompanied her dad to Scotland to pick up a vintage motor bike in Girvan. Both had never set foot in Scotland so I was happy to help with ferry info. Her dad was using his works van for the uplift, and on their way back to Cairnryan from Girvan they crawled at 30 mph the entire way. Apparently they thought that signs on leaving a town or village en route proclaiming, 'Haste ye back!’ was a slow down sign. They missed the ferry."

More Hastie

THERE has been much speculation in the press for weeks now on whether rising Motherwell star Jake Hastie would sign for Rangers. So we like the neat summary by a Rangers fan on a supporters' website who declared: "If he does sign, then I think he will be brilliant, but if he does not sign, then I think it's a bullet dodged."

By George

THIS really falls into our signs you are getting old stories. The Herald reported on delays in dismantling the old nuclear submarines tied up at Rosyth. It reminds us of when former Labour MP George Galloway realised the torch of revolutionary protest was being passed on to a new generation. He was lying on the road outside the Faslane submarine base as part of an anti-nuclear protest when he heard one of the police officers who approached him announce: "Right, we'll take the auld yin."

Dogged determination

LOVELY story about Scottish long-distance runner Sophie Mullins on the BBC website. She says that what helps her when she is running is "dog bingo" and explained: "When you've been running for two hours and your brain says there's another six to go, that's not a good thing to think. So you distract yourself. We have a list of dog breeds we hope to see when we're running in Perth. So, some poor person with a German Shepherd – which is the last on the mental bingo card – usually has us running past going, 'bingo!'"

Tuning in

SOME weather yesterday. As Moose Allain whimsically urged: "If you're going out in the hail showers, pop a child's xylophone on your head for added fun."

Read more: A coming-of-age party at Barlinnie's Special Unit