On to plums

NOT always a fun day out, visiting the doctor, so we commend the story told to us by journalist John Dingwall who says: "What's been your most absurd medical experience? Mine was today's prostate examination during which the doctor stuck a gloved finger up my backside. At which point all the pound coins I'd stuffed in my pocket to pay for parking fell out of my jeans onto the floor, and I told him he had hit the jackpot."

Had it licked

THE Diary pic of the sign about cornettos reminded Norma McGovern in Dundee: "A few years ago on the Ken Bruce show on Radio 2, Ken asked a nervous contestant, 'Elvis Presley was inspired to sing a song based on O Sole Mio by Pavarotti, what was the name of the song?' 'Was it Just One Cornetto,' she asked? Ken, I guess, trying not to laugh replied, 'No, not quite, the correct answer is It's Now or Never sang to the same tune."

Officer material

WE are all still reminiscing about Celtic's Billy McNeill. A reader reminds us of the Diary story about the keen Celtic fan, close to graduation at university, interviewed down south for the officer course with the Army. He was asked, if you could meet anyone in history, a great hero, who would it be? Most had replied Napoleon, Winston Churchill, Lord Nelson, Montgomery and so on, but our Glasgow lad had replied "Billy McNeill" which didn't in fact get him on the course, but he said afterwards that he still wouldn't have changed his reply.

Sofa so good

THINGS you only hear in Glasgow’s west end, continued. A reader tells us her friend in Kirklee was explaining that she had a visit from the grandchildren over the Easter weekend. She said that one of the lads was a bit shy and then used the memorable phrase: “He spent most of the afternoon hiding under the chaise longue.”

University challenged

THE Open University is celebrating its 50th anniversary this week. A reader once swore to us: "I was talking to a friend who was telling me she and her husband had been watching Edinburgh University take on the Open University in University Challenge. At the end of the programme, her husband asked, 'I know where Edinburgh is, but where's Open?'"

As You Like It

IT was also the anniversary of William Shakespeare's birthday this week. As one mother declared: "Shakespeare is widely considered the world's greatest dramatist. But only by people who haven't met my daughters when their hair or make-up isn't going right."

Ya dancer

POLITICS can still amuse, such as Tory rebel and Strictly Come Dancing contestant Ann Widdecombe standing for the Brexit Party in the European Elections. As comedian Mark Steel opined: "It's like when Channel 5 reveal who's in their latest reality show. Next will be Timmy Mallet, Jimmy Greaves and the woman who put a cat in a wheelie-bin."

We do like the inspired observation of a reader who emails: "Can we not just have a dance-off between Ann Widdecombe and Theresa May?"


WE mentioned of course Donald Trump's planned state visit to Britain. One of the more cutting reactions was writer James Felton who declared: "When Trump gets picked up for his royal welcome can we let Philip drive?"

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