“I have diaries.”
Kezia Dugdale MSP, April 29, 2019
BREXIT. North Korea cosying up to Russia. Growth forecasts slashed. Just when a body fears it cannot bear any more political upheaval, Kezia Dugdale announces she is quitting Holyrood in July.
As a parting gift to the nation, the politician affectionately dubbed a “walking disaster” by her own party has given The Herald an exclusive look at her musings down the years. With apologies to the late, great Sue Townsend, we hereby present excerpts from The Secret Diary of Kezia Dugdale, Aged 37¾.
May 5, 2011
Elected to the Scottish Parliament! How cooooooool is that?! Fully intend to write my name in history. Have bought new highlighters and sparkly pencil case.
Read more: Kezia Dugdale quitting politics for post at Glasgow University
December 13, 2014
My rise through the ranks is going even better than expected. I have now been elected deputy leader. Jim Murphy is the new head honcho. We had the election because Johann Lamont said she was fed up with London treating Scottish Labour like a branch office. As if!
August 15, 2015
Dear diary, you are not going to believe this: I’m the new leader. Jimbo had to go after losing 40 out of 41 seats at the General Election, including his own. Butterfingers! SNP unbearable after winning 56 seats. Have told the press I am going to work “night and day” to put Scottish Labour back on top. Don’t think that includes holidays, though. Or Fridays. Mondays might be flexible, too.
September 12, 2015
Jeremy Corbyn has been elected Labour leader. I voted for Yvette Cooper. I’m sure there will be no hard feelings.
May 5, 2016
Have lost 13 seats in Holyrood elections. Labour now the third party in parliament. Pure riddy. I don’t usually say stuff like “riddy” but I’m trying to tone down the head girl thing and be a bit more “street”. It’s a three-line whip from Comrade Milne, even though he went to public school and Oxford and his dad was the director-general of the BBC. Between Holyrood vote and EU referendum, 2016 proving to be a bummer. Never mind. Have trip to America to support Hillary. Chance to turn things around!
November 8, 2016
Trump is President. Totally not my fault. Hill just doesn’t have the “touch”, which I intend to tell her in a sisterly email.
June 8, 2017
Gained six seats in snap General Election. Who is the comeback kid now?
June 28, 2016
Called on Jeremy to resign after he lost confidence motion. There will now be leadership election.
August 22, 2016
Declare support for lovely Owen Smith. He’s very Welsh, like Neil Kinnock. Got good feeling about this one.
August 24, 2016
Jeremy has won, big time. Now I’m supposed to feel guilty about saying he could not unite the party, and he had hee-haw chance of being PM. I won’t back down. I am a conviction politician or I am nothing.
August 24, 2016 (later)
Backed down. Now being accused of flip-flopping. Some people just don’t understand nuance. Upwards and onwards.
August 29, 2017
Resigned leadership today. Been an odd week, which started with London sending me a “Sorry you’re leaving card”. Did not think anything of it as they do the same every week. This time they got lucky! PS Offer has come in. Don’t want to jinx it, but will say one word: Australia. Got good feeling about this one.
November 17, 2017
News has leaked that I’m to be on I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here! Hope it doesn’t overshadow naming of new Scottish Labour leader tomorrow.
November 18, 2017
Richard Leonard elected. No-one seemed to care. So sad when people don’t take politics seriously.
December 4, 2017
Heading home after being voted out of jungle. Apparently I am a national embarrassment. But this is a new age, it requires a different type of politics! Nicola is well jealous. As for Ruth the Mooth, she’d trample over her Spaniel in a heartbeat if there was a sniff of getting on national TV.
December 13,2017
Written warning over I’m a Celeb. So unfair, particularly as I will be handing a big whack to charity.
January 12, 2018
New Year, same old press carping because it emerges I gave £5,100 of £70,000 appearance fee to charity. Luck going to change soon.
March 25, 2019
In court. Sued for defamation by Wings over Scotland blogger Stuart Campbell because I called one of his tweets homophobic. Odd stick. Looks like Game of Thrones extra.
April 17, 2019
Have won case on grounds of fair comment. Don’t have to pay 25k. Was going to invite Stewie for drink to show no hard feelings but he rushed past. Expect he has battle scene to shoot.
April 29, 2019
I’m leaving Holyrood to take up a job as director of a think tank. It is the perfect position for me – all about boosting faith in public service and valuing those who give so much to democracy and ask for so little in return. Plus, it’s only a £116 cut from my current salary. Don't worry, I won't be leaving Labour. What would the party do without me?
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