Soldier on

DONALD Trump's visit to Britain reminds us of previous stories about Americans in The Diary including his predecessor Barack Obama claiming Scottish blood in his ancestry. "Would that be the Maryhill Baracks?" asked a reader.

What a wheeze

AMERICAN singer Norah Jones had one of her band whistling on one of her songs when she appeared at Glasgow's Armadillo, and she told the audience that she herself couldn't whistle. She explained: "I can't whistle blowing out the way, but I can do it a little bit drawing breath in the way. It's weird." To which a Glasgow voice shouted out: "It's called asthma, hen."

And talking of Glasgow audiences, the classic tale is of American singer Rosemary Clooney appearing at Glasgow's Pavilion on a Saturday night when the crowd was boisterous, and she was struggling to be heard above the din until a Glasgow voice bawled out: "Haw! Let the auld bag sing!" As the Pavilion fell quiet, Rosemary declared: "Thank you. I'm glad there's at least one gentleman in the audience tonight."

Taken for a ride

FURTHER back in time a reader recalled an American sailor, on leave from the Polaris submarine base at the Holy Loch, travelling to Glasgow to try his luck at the Locarno Ballroom. The cabbie told him the fare was "seven and six" (7/6d) but the American, unfamiliar with the currency, simply held out a hand bulging with change.

The driver picked out half crowns and shillings while explaining: "Seven of those and six of them.”

And across the Atlantic, a reader was driving a hired car in New York looking for the Lincoln Tunnel but finding the signs confusing. Pulling up beside a yellow taxi he leaned out the window and said: "Hi, I'm from Glasgow and we're lost." "You sure are, pal," the driver replied.

Making a splash

AS others see us. An expat in Iowa sent us a joke from his local newspaper. "An American and a Scotsman are discussing ways to bring tourism to their countries. The American says, 'I'll build a theme park costing millions, employing thousands of people, which will bring people from around the world.' The Scotsman replies, 'I'm just gonna go down to the nearest loch and shout "What was that!" Should do the trick.’"

Hard to swallow

WE always enjoy it when the prestigious New York Times turns its attention to Scotland. It once had a reporter in Coatbridge writing about the devastation caused by the love of some locals of the fortified wine Buckfast. It was a bit depressing, but we did like the paragraph: "Passer-by Martin Rooney, 48, said, 'It goes straight to your head, but it's not my cup of tea' (Mr Rooney noted that his cup of tea is half a bottle of vodka a night).”


SCOTS folk band the Tannahill Weavers were playing in Dayton, Ohio, supported on the bill by an American singer named Tom Scheidt who immediately told them that he had played with inquisitive Scottish bands before, so before they asked, he could confirm that he did not, in fact, have a brother named Doug. Still, the Weavers were delighted to learn, after a few libations with Tom, that he had a cousin called Wayne.

What's in a name

A READER was at a business reception in Edinburgh, and watched a chap go up to an American woman with the name "Twila" on her badge and say: "That's a name you don't hear every day." "Actually, I do," she coolly replied.

In the soup

FINALLY, we end with just a daft joke told to us by a Renfrewshire reader who said two American tourists tried to order horse steaks in a Glasgow restaurant. "We don't eat horse over here," the waitress told them. "So how come that guy over there just ordered mare soup?" asked one of the Yanks. Sorry about that.