Soldier on
DONALD Trump's visit to Britain reminds us of previous stories about Americans in The Diary including his predecessor Barack Obama claiming Scottish blood in his ancestry. "Would that be the Maryhill Baracks?" asked a reader.
What a wheeze
AMERICAN singer Norah Jones had one of her band whistling on one of her songs when she appeared at Glasgow's Armadillo, and she told the audience that she herself couldn't whistle. She explained: "I can't whistle blowing out the way, but I can do it a little bit drawing breath in the way. It's weird." To which a Glasgow voice shouted out: "It's called asthma, hen."
And talking of Glasgow audiences, the classic tale is of American singer Rosemary Clooney appearing at Glasgow's Pavilion on a Saturday night when the crowd was boisterous, and she was struggling to be heard above the din until a Glasgow voice bawled out: "Haw! Let the auld bag sing!" As the Pavilion fell quiet, Rosemary declared: "Thank you. I'm glad there's at least one gentleman in the audience tonight."
Taken for a ride
FURTHER back in time a reader recalled an American sailor, on leave from the Polaris submarine base at the Holy Loch, travelling to Glasgow to try his luck at the Locarno Ballroom. The cabbie told him the fare was "seven and six" (7/6d) but the American, unfamiliar with the currency, simply held out a hand bulging with change.
The driver picked out half crowns and shillings while explaining: "Seven of those and six of them.”
And across the Atlantic, a reader was driving a hired car in New York looking for the Lincoln Tunnel but finding the signs confusing. Pulling up beside a yellow taxi he leaned out the window and said: "Hi, I'm from Glasgow and we're lost." "You sure are, pal," the driver replied.
Making a splash
AS others see us. An expat in Iowa sent us a joke from his local newspaper. "An American and a Scotsman are discussing ways to bring tourism to their countries. The American says, 'I'll build a theme park costing millions, employing thousands of people, which will bring people from around the world.' The Scotsman replies, 'I'm just gonna go down to the nearest loch and shout "What was that!" Should do the trick.’"
Hard to swallow
WE always enjoy it when the prestigious New York Times turns its attention to Scotland. It once had a reporter in Coatbridge writing about the devastation caused by the love of some locals of the fortified wine Buckfast. It was a bit depressing, but we did like the paragraph: "Passer-by Martin Rooney, 48, said, 'It goes straight to your head, but it's not my cup of tea' (Mr Rooney noted that his cup of tea is half a bottle of vodka a night).”
Dug-less
SCOTS folk band the Tannahill Weavers were playing in Dayton, Ohio, supported on the bill by an American singer named Tom Scheidt who immediately told them that he had played with inquisitive Scottish bands before, so before they asked, he could confirm that he did not, in fact, have a brother named Doug. Still, the Weavers were delighted to learn, after a few libations with Tom, that he had a cousin called Wayne.
What's in a name
A READER was at a business reception in Edinburgh, and watched a chap go up to an American woman with the name "Twila" on her badge and say: "That's a name you don't hear every day." "Actually, I do," she coolly replied.
In the soup
FINALLY, we end with just a daft joke told to us by a Renfrewshire reader who said two American tourists tried to order horse steaks in a Glasgow restaurant. "We don't eat horse over here," the waitress told them. "So how come that guy over there just ordered mare soup?" asked one of the Yanks. Sorry about that.
Why are you making commenting on The Herald only available to subscribers?
It should have been a safe space for informed debate, somewhere for readers to discuss issues around the biggest stories of the day, but all too often the below the line comments on most websites have become bogged down by off-topic discussions and abuse.
heraldscotland.com is tackling this problem by allowing only subscribers to comment.
We are doing this to improve the experience for our loyal readers and we believe it will reduce the ability of trolls and troublemakers, who occasionally find their way onto our site, to abuse our journalists and readers. We also hope it will help the comments section fulfil its promise as a part of Scotland's conversation with itself.
We are lucky at The Herald. We are read by an informed, educated readership who can add their knowledge and insights to our stories.
That is invaluable.
We are making the subscriber-only change to support our valued readers, who tell us they don't want the site cluttered up with irrelevant comments, untruths and abuse.
In the past, the journalist’s job was to collect and distribute information to the audience. Technology means that readers can shape a discussion. We look forward to hearing from you on heraldscotland.com
Comments & Moderation
Readers’ comments: You are personally liable for the content of any comments you upload to this website, so please act responsibly. We do not pre-moderate or monitor readers’ comments appearing on our websites, but we do post-moderate in response to complaints we receive or otherwise when a potential problem comes to our attention. You can make a complaint by using the ‘report this post’ link . We may then apply our discretion under the user terms to amend or delete comments.
Post moderation is undertaken full-time 9am-6pm on weekdays, and on a part-time basis outwith those hours.
Read the rules here