Unexpected twist

AUSTRALIAN singer Nick Cave of Bad Seeds fame is on a tour of Britain just now entitled Conversations with Nick Cave where he invites inquiries from the audience about his career. Writer Fiona Sturges who was at one of the shows says: "Best question of the night, 'Hi Nick. I live in your old flat in Hove. Do you know where the stopcock is?'"

Rubbered

WE asked about taking food to your office, and Jim Nicol in Lenzie recalls: "Back in the eighties, as the office junior I was tasked with getting the morning roll order from the canteen for the other clerks. As a joke, I slipped a rubber band into a roll and bacon, buying a second as a replacement when my ruse was discovered. Clerkess chosen as the victim then wordlessly devoured entire roll without complaint. Eek!"

Boxed in

WE are often sent pictures from readers exasperated at the large size of cardboard boxes that Amazon use to deliver quite modestly sized goods, so no doubt they will empathise with Kent Graham who declared: "I just used three of my wife’s Amazon delivery boxes to store all of my wife’s Amazon delivery boxes."

Cocky

OUR hospital tales reminded a Milngavie reader: "A friend who was a senior nurse in a VD clinic in London in the sixties summarised his clients as either nervous boys who would walk round and round outside the building till eventually they plucked up enough courage to come in and who would inevitably ask, 'Is there any way my mother will find out?' or those at the other end of the scale who would simply ask, 'Can you have that ready for Saturday?'

"Oh and I would just like to mention, that’s not where I met him."

Barking

SOME Scottish nationalists are upset that the film Robert the Bruce has not been given a wider showing, some even claiming that it has been restricted in order not to stir support for independence. As John Dunlop comments: "Much gnashing of SNP molars over the distribution of the Robert the Bruce film. No doubt they will be pleased to know the Odeon Ayr, Scotland’s first Odeon cinema, is showing the film. They might not be so impressed that another film showing is The Queen’s Corgi."

Orange County

IT can be strange sometimes, living in Ayrshire. A local reader tells us: "Last night, neither Grandson nor I could be bothered cooking, so, I went down to the village Chinese carry-out. The bill came to £16.90, which, when announced, caused three local worthies, waiting for their orders to be completed, to burst into a quick rendition of The Sash."

Switched on

TODAY'S daft gag comes from a Paisley reader who tells us: "A woman I know in the town signed up on one of those dating sites and when asked what she was looking for stated, 'Needs to be good looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing. Willing to accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hours if I don't go out. Be able to tell me interesting stories when I need a companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest.' They wrote back and told her, 'Buy a television'."

Story vetted

TALKING of television, Ian McLean in Hawick recalls: "The news that the country vet drama 'All Creatures Great and Small' is due to return to our TV screens reminds me of the time that comedian Ronnie Barker chose to call it 'All Creatures Grunt and Smell'."