Let's make up

GOLF fans nipping over to see The Open at Portrush reminds us of previous golfing stories in the Diary, including the Airdrie Golf Club member who told us that she once phoned The Herald's sports desk with the competition results of the ladies section, which included who had won the May Cup. It appeared in the paper as the Makeup winner.


THE late Bishop John Mone of Paisley loved his golf, and once joked at the annual golf competition between Catholic priests and Church of Scotland ministers that he had told folk that he was going away on a course for handicapped clergy. He also explained his rule of thumb that if your golf handicap was higher than eight then you were neglecting your golf. If it was lower than eight you were neglecting your parish.


THE wit and wisdom of coaches and caddies can fill books. A reader told us of her aunt having lessons in St Andrews, and as she persisted with her increasingly wild, but energetic, swing, the coach told her: "Hen, you're only trying tae move a wee ba' – no a graun' piana.” And impersonator Rory Bremner recalled playing at St Andrews where he hit the ball into a huge bush. His impassive caddy remarked: "Ye could wrap that up in bacon, sir, and Lassie'd no find it."

Lee way

FORMER Open champion Sandy Lyle says he is enjoying his golf now that he plays the seniors tour. He said he partnered Lee Trevino in his first seniors game in America, and Lee was bemoaning the fact he can't hit the ball as far as he used to. "I'm that short off the tee," Lee told Sandy, "I can hear the ball when it lands.”

And Lee once declared: "If you are caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even God can hit a 1-iron.”

Getting the Bill

FORMER US President Bill Clinton was guest speaker at the Scottish Business Awards when he was making a point about the level of surveillance in our lives by explaining how everyone now has camera phones. So he asked the question: "Do you know the difference between when I played golf at St Andrews today and when I played there 10 years ago?" He perhaps wasn't expecting the Scottish businessman who shouted out: "Ten shots?"

Dark comedy

THE late Scottish comedian Ronnie Corbett was a keen golfer. As he once declared: "For some time, my wife's had this ridiculous idea that I'm playing too much golf. Actually, it came to a head at about 11.30 last night. She suddenly shouted at me: 'Golf, golf, golf. All you ever think about is bloody golf!' And I'll be honest, it frightened the life out of me. I mean, you don't expect to meet somebody on the 14th green at that time of night.”

Shots fired

GOLF can turn many players into philosophers. One keen golfer told us the truism: "If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he took a six or a seven, he probably took an eight.”

Bed time story

FINALLY, our favourite old golf gag – a regular golfer would go out every Saturday morning at seven to play a round come rain, hail or shine. But one weekend when he reached the door, the biting cold rain was almost horizontal, and for once he put his golf bag down, undressed and quietly slipped back into bed with his half-asleep wife and told her: "The weather's terrible." Sleepily she replied: "Can you believe my husband's out golfing in that?”

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