Kicked off

IT’S great the football season has begun. Tom Rafferty was on a No 9 bus in Glasgow an hour before the Rangers European tie when he heard the passenger in front of him on the phone to his wife loudly declaring: “I’m going to the Quo Vadis to watch the game. I’ve got that firestick you wanted. You can get it aff me in the pub and get me a pint when you’re in.” Adds Tom: “After some further discussion it transpired that his wife was having none of this. He then agreed to go straight home, set it up and, once she is happy, he can go to the pub. His two mates couldn’t look at each other.”

Foxy request

OVER in Edinburgh, the Festival Fringe has had its first weekend. The acts include a stage version of Radio 4’s Fags, Mags And Bags comedy co-written by Sanjeev Kohli and Donald McLeary. After one show at the weekend Sanjeev was chatting with the cast outside the Udderbelly tent when a young family shows up, the mother clutching a pen and paper. “Are you Sanjeev Kohli?” she asked “Yes” he replied. “Have you got a show on here?” “Yes” says Sanjeev. “Oh good” says the mum “can you go in and get us Basil Brush’s autograph?”

Show business

AT the programme launch for Edinburgh Fringe venue the Gilded Balloon, comedian Fred MacAulay told the audience that despite having lived in Glasgow for many years he, in fact, hailed from Perth. His opening gambit was: “I’ll never be able to call myself 100% Glaswegian though – I’ve retained the ability to mind my own business.”

On their feet

WE also liked the interview with performer Jack Tucker at the Fringe, which was carried in Broadway World, where he was asked: “How has the show been received so far?” Jack replied: “Incredible. Audiences absolutely love it. People get up on their feet, sometimes before the show’s even done and walk out of the room to go and tell their friends about it! Sometimes this happens only 10 or 15 minutes into a show!”
And Alan McKinney from Edinburgh asks: “How do you spot a tourist in Edinburgh?” and tells us: “At crossings – they are the only people waiting for the green man.”

All ears

READER Lynne Hendry in Helensburgh tells us of a problem that can occur in the warm weather. She passes on a comment on a local community Facebook page in which someone stated: “To my neighbours who are standing and discussing rather ‘intimate’ matters outside our house – you do realise our windows are open, don’t you? Still, it beats the radio.”

Poles apart

OUR mention of businessman Richard Branson reminds retired Ayrshire MP Brian Donohoe: “I was once presenting a cheque to a local church following winning a settlement with Virgin Radio, and Richard sent a couple of his glamorous staff to assist. One of them, from Essex, saw four clothes poles in my garden, was a bit confused, and asked what type of game they were in the garden for.”

Holiday exchange

AS the pound drops because of Brexit fears, journalist Jim White comments: “Woman in the bureau de change just told me I’d get €320 for £300 for my holidays. I told her to buck up, be more optimistic, and stop peddling project fear. But oddly she didn’t give me any more.”