Getting an eyeful

A FEW years ago a female friend of reader John McConachie was giving swimming lessons at Temple Baths to local primary seven children. Suddenly Wee Jimmy surfaced and called to her that his glass eye had fallen out. A swift blow of the whistle got the kids out of the pool, whereupon Wullie, Boaby and Davy, the three best swimmers in the class, were tasked with diving back in to search for Jimmy's eye. Almost immediately Boaby surfaced, clutching the missing object. “Well done Boaby, how did you manage to find it?” asked the impressed swimming instructor. “Miss, it was no bother. It was staring me in the face,” was Boaby’s proud reply.

Currying favour

BEING an only child can be a lonely experience, though sometimes solitude is better than a sibling. Especially if the sibling is a sassy sort. Case in point. A friend of reader David Gold has a brother who once turned up at his house, a bit worse for wear. He was also carrying a curry. “Yum!” readers will no doubt think. However, this curry was never tasted by either sibling as the boozy bruv promptly tipped it over a brand-new couch. He then left, mistaking the TV remote for his mobile phone. David’s poor chum was left watching the same channel for two whole days.

Sock science

BROADCASTER Muriel Gray has been mulling over a question that has baffled all the great minds of the scientific community, including Newton, Einstein and Hawking. “Regardless of the length of sock (ankle, calf length or over the knee) why do wellies always pull them down and off?” she asks.

Right or wrong?

AS a tour guide, Roderick Archibald Young is very aware of the difficulties that can be faced on our roadways when dealing with foreign drivers. “Perhaps we should alter the wording we use to explain how to operate a car in this country,” muses Roderick. “Rather than reminding visitors to drive on the 'right' side of the road we should be telling them to drive on the 'correct' side of the road.” Excellent idea, Roderick. Though wouldn’t it be simpler to coax them into taking public transport instead?

Meandering movie

NETFLIX movie The Irishman, starring Robert De Niro and Al Pacino, is a rather long affair, lasting over three hours. Glasgow comedian Gerry McLaughlin has discovered the perfect way of surviving the epic. “Three things in life are certain,” says Gerry. “Death, taxes, and no one has watched The Irishman in one sitting.”

All’s well

A FRIEND of Edward McGinty is always trying to cheer him up. “Things could be a lot worse,” this chap often tells Edward. “You could be deep underground in a hole filled with water.” Edward (with a discernible twinkle in his eye) adds: “I know he means well.”