“Janey Godley swears and uses foul language” is a common theme on social media.

Channel Four’s most famous cat impersonator George Galloway, took to Twitter to tell me off for swearing. I meowed back at him because as we all know; he is the bastion of good manners where the women are concerned. Many of his pals in the failed Alliance4Unity party took to Twitter to pile on me about swearing and to tell me I have ‘Lost the plot’ - at least I never lost my deposit. But that’s men for you. #notallmen.

I was brought up with comedians swearing, like Billy Connolly, Chic Murray etc and they all swore. You see Scottish comedians like Frankie Boyle and Kevin Bridges onstage, they swear heaps, but the difference is, they are men.

So back to the 1950s we go with the hypocrisy of language. Women can't swear but men can. Ladies can’t cope with dirty words falling out of their pretty little mouths, but men can, big men who smell of aftershave and smoke in offices, they can swear loudly because they are men-men. Ladies must stand at the side and offer small bites to eat and give the men compliments on their hair and shiny shoes, sometimes we are allowed to giggle, when there is a decent space in the conversation. I am known for my timing and politeness, so I would fit well into this scenario.

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If you have ever been to live comedy, back in the days when we were allowed to gather in crowds that didn’t include a football, I can pretty much guarantee you that every woman on that stage swore. People who can’t cope with women swearing rarely go to comedy, live theatre, watch TV dramas, listen to radio, TV comedy, read books or attend rock concerts because their ears would melt with the rough lady loud words. They would need several strings of pearls to clutch as they gasp near a fainting couch.

Those people stay at home and go on Twitter to tell women to mind their language. As we all know, women swearing is the worst thing to happen to the world right now, as a pandemic is threatening a third wave, let no F words be uttered from the ‘wimmin’ we need to keep our standards up. We need our ‘wimmin folk’ to be stoic, polite and wearing a stiff underskirt to prevent the sun shining through revealing their tender thigh gap. The world will end if they don’t stop their slattern behaviour.

A lot of men who are averse to hypocrisy on Twitter spend hours telling me to ‘mind my language’ and when you view some of their timelines, it reveals screeds of swearing and hatred towards minority groups and trans people. What a shocker. How dare I not listen to them? Why won't I just do what I am told by people who hate my political stance? I have heard Boris Johnson swear, I watched Cummings swear live on TV, where were the pearl clutchers then? Why did they support LibDem’s Alex Cole-Hamilton when he swore at an SNP politician in a work meeting? I think we all know the answer to this and it stinks.

Seems you are allowed to swear if you have a certain political viewpoint – but not the women, they must bake cakes and arrange flowers as the men speak strongly for us.

“How dare you call Trump a bad word, he’s a good man” I was repeatedly told when I posted an image of me at his golf course in 2018, turns out I was right. He is a runt. It’s not my fault my hand was misplaced on the bottom of the ‘r’ when that cop high fived me and it looked like a C, was it?  

I wasn’t so subtle in 2016 when I stood at Turnberry the first time with my now infamous sweary sign. How dare a woman curse so coarsely about a man who judged women’s appearance out of ten and eventually watched his own supporters attack the US capital building resulting in deaths and arrests, what was I thinking? I should have planned a weight-loss campaign, wore a tight dress, push up bra, a huge smile and welcomed him with a gracious knee bend and some gently baked shortbread. I didn’t do that. I wore old ripped jeans and carried a bit of lino with a message drawn in sharpy and I would do it again tomorrow. That image went global and I have the actual poster framed on my wall. It has pride of place and is enjoyed by everyone who comes to my house.

We all know that it upset a certain political section of Scottish voters who stood by Trump until it was too late to back off without shame. They were raging at my vulgar language so much that they called me the same word repeatedly, which of course I enjoyed immensely.

The bottom line is, the very people in Scotland who mass tweet and push back aggressively against the SNP’s Hate Crime Bill, the folk who demand free speech and claim the Scottish Government are out to arrest you for speaking words in your own house, they scream that cancel culture and snowflakes are damaging Scottish ideas, speech and society - are the EXACT SAME people who want me to stop swearing, cancelled for jokes and demand people stop watching me onstage for my vile language. It’s quite a take on it all.

They can’t have it both ways.

You either stop complaining women swear, which they do, I have ears and eyes or they stop moaning that people are cancelled for swearing and making jokes, or stand up and demand everyone who swears needs cancelled. Not just women who oppose you politically. That’s called hypocrisy and we see you.

To me the worst word in the world starts with an F and ends with a K and that word is Foodbank, you should be more offended that they exist more than being upset at sweary words.

Grow the F up.