Piers Morgan's Week...As imagined by Brian Beacom
SORRY if I can’t speak properly during this chat but it’s hard to form words when your grin is wider than the space between Prince Harry’s ears.
On that subject, did you listen to what the tux-wearing goofball said at the GQ Awards, Zooming in from his LA mansion, that news agencies have been spreading Covid misinformation? Does he know the difference between a newspaper and TikTok?
Of course, the reason I mention the wokey Clown Prince is because of Ofcom’s decision this week. They have deemed I had the right to say I believed his wife’s relationship with the truth to be as distant as Dominic Raab and the Foreign Office during the Kabul fiasco.
Yes, I may be offensive. Arrogant. Insensitive even. But I have to be heard, otherwise we destroy the very essence of democracy, decry the legacy of JS Mill and Rousseau – and the chance to buy that Bentley Bentayga I’ve always had my eye on.
This is not about men, however. I’m only gloating to you because I simply can’t help myself. It’s about free speech and the right to have an opinion.
When Princess Pinocchio complained of being ill and the palace rejecting her pleas I asked: ‘Who did you go to?’ ‘What did they say to you?’ And she had as many answers as Nicola when asked about Covid passport details.
I’m sorry, I don’t believe a word Meghan Markle said in her interview with Oprah. I wouldn’t believe it if she read me a weather report that had been signed off by the Pope, Greta Thunberg and Mikel Arteta.
Ms Markle’s defenders, however, will argue she was simply not prepared to upset the monarchy anymore. But that’s like throwing a hand grenade into a room and coming back ten minutes later with a box of Elastoplast and a bottle of iodine.
Yet, what’s really great about this decision is that cancel culture has taken even more of a kicking than my shins under the Good Morning Britain desk, when Susanna would take umbrage.
Now, you may be asking wider questions about a TV presenter’s right to voice opinions. You may ask: ‘Why won’t the BBC let Emily Maitlis away with smacking Dominic Cummings about the head?’
But I would say two things to that: I’m a personality presenter. As such I can say what I like. And the second is my mate Emily can too. She was dead right. Cummings is a dead loss. So why not let the television greats speak their mind, on condition that they are always right?
Now, you may be worried about Ms Markle. Don’t be. You couldn’t shake that woman if you locked her into the Revolution Blackpool ride for a hour then made her watch re-runs of Tiswas.
As for me, I haven’t been offered my job back, but that’s because ITV have as much backbone as Bjorn and Benny’s holograms.
But I’m a super-trouper. I have offers on the table. I’ll be back.
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