As imagined by Brian Beacom

OH, COME on! Already you’re sounding like one of those tofu-eating, sandal-wearing wokerati creepies. I’m back. After just six days on the naughty step. And I’m going to make Priti Patel look like that Corbynesque do-gooder John McDonnell.

So, please don’t keep going on about my little ‘mistake’. Anyway, which of us hasn’t sent a government-sensitive email on a personal address that could be hacked into by a nine-year-old using his granddad’s old Amstrad?

Yes, Tory Chairman Sir Jake Berry talked of ‘multiple breaches’ by me, but Rishi sacked him. So, Berry can’t have been right, can he?

And even if I were in the wrong, it doesn’t matter.

The trick is to get the story buried faster than a Black Death victim. That’s why I have to take my hat off to Nicola.

Look at her this week; she will, she said, keep the pound after the Independent Banana Republic of Scotland has been established – even though she’s the first to say the pound has tanked.

Now, the story she wants to bury is Scotland having to accept the Euro. And what does she do? Make the headlines about gender recognition and JK Rowling – and everyone forgets her economics are Liz and Kwasi bonkers.

Look, we, as a party, are back on the right track. Shell have just trousered £8.2bn in less time than it takes for Rishi to announce he’s not up for going to Cop27 and we’ve hinted that, perhaps, a little windfall tax may arrive in time for Santa to keep the lefty softies in the party and the Red Wallers sweet.

But the main point you climate tragedians out there need to accept is that Rishi needs right-wingers like me wrapped around him like his nice cashmere pullovers.

He knows I’m not going to welcome Indians into this country as a part of a trade deal because, as we all know, they’ll go missing faster than Boris Johnson’s leadership votes.

He knows I laugh at the European Convention on Human Rights and all about my ‘mad, immoral and impractical’ plans to send illegals to Rwanda.

But let me ask you this: what’s wrong with a free flight to a country with such magnificent savannah?

The Tory Party simply has to return to traditional values. That’s why I also believe in James Rather-Cleverly’s tin-eared approach to gay rights.

Is appealing to blokes in tight shorts worth upsetting Qatari business? No.

So, what’s wrong in pointing out that gay football fans going to Qatar would be well advised not to be seen singing Abba songs at Arrivals?

And if England do score, shouldn’t a firm – but brief – handshake of celebration suffice?

What? You still wonder if my leaking of information has fractured my relationship with spy chiefs and international intelligence?

Look, I’ve just read claims that the Chinese government are operating out of a restaurant in Sauchiehall Street.

Tell Nicola to chew on that next time she orders her hot steamed tofu with gender neutral noodles.