As imagined by Brian Beacom
JEEZY peeps – I’ve heard that’s the phrase used in Scotland to describe a state of incredulity – and that’s certainly how I felt when told I was coming up to meet your First Minister.
Well, wouldn’t you have reservations when your Scottish wingman Douglas uses the word ‘despicable’ to describe her actions?
And, of course, my wife didn’t help.
"She could easily take you in a square go," she said of Ms Sturgeon, which made me think Akshata really has been watching too many true crime docs on the BBC Scotland channel.
But then my wife got me even more worked up by issuing a series of pre-meet instructions.
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"Don’t mention ferries," she declared.
Fair enough.
But then she added: "And don’t let her see that Harry Potter book that’s taken up residence in your lovely camel coat."
Akshata then laughed, seemingly on a roll when she added, "And don’t mention you believed the Krankies to be your favourite panto act of all time, by way of ingratiating yourself."
I don’t always understand my wife, as it happens, but that’s not uncommon, is it?
Anyway, I’m digressing.
What I really want to do is to explain the new relationship I’m trying to build with the FM.
Now, I know that you’re thinking that Joe Biden will find it easier to explain why he has boxes of state secrets parked alongside his Corvette.
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But, really, it’s quite simple. I need to keep the Union intact, and I’m prepared to throw money into Scotland to do that.
And if the price is to eat cold porridge and drink Irn-Bru in Inverness then so be it.
Yes, experts have said the freeports are a pie-in-the-sky idea, that any employment growth will be in non-skilled areas, that business won’t flock to these sites and investment could be as thin as Andy Murray’s chances on Monday against Berrettini.
However, that doesn’t really matter. And so, we had our time-restricted hour together. Not that this was the maximum amount of time we felt we could be in the same room together. No, honestly.
We both felt that an hour was more than enough time to discuss indy ref2 (not happening), the crises in the NHS – including the estimated 60 long-wait deaths a week in Scotland – the rash of strikes across the UK, the cost-of-living pressures, future North Sea oil exploration plans and the Gender Reforms Act.
Nicola did want to know how the Winchester-educated partner of a wife who’s wealthier than the King can empathise with ordinary people.
And I think she’d have enjoyed my response to the claim that Boris is nipping at my heels for a safe seat next time around. But she accepted my decision to opt for pudding instead.
Overall, Akshata was wrong when she predicted the night would be frostier than Harry’s crown jewels. But she was dead right in suggesting I would be wrong to say I fancied my favourite, turkey. What with the ferries and all.
Nicola suddenly looked like she was seasick. Jeezy peeps.
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