IT took 36 hours for Brexit secretary David Davis to answer to a call from his Scottish counterpart on the new ‘Brexit hotline’, we learned at FMQs. Now the transcript has leaked..
Department for Exiting the EU. Call log 25-10-16. Incoming 12 noon.
‘Hello? Is that the David Davis hotline?’
‘Switchboard. How may I direct your call please?’
‘I’m looking for David Davis. He’s expecting me.’
‘And you are?’
‘Michael Russell. You may have heard of me. I’m joking of course! Everybody’s heard of me.’
‘Could you be more specific, sir?
‘My dear woman, and as I think the plaque on my desk will amply verify, I am quite clearly the Minister for UK negotiations on Scotland’s Place in Europe.’
[Silence] ‘Mike. From Edinburgh. David gave me a card with a picture of the bat signal over Whitehall. He said it was a direct line.’
‘Anything more specific, sir?
‘R-U-S-S-.. look, just tell him it’s important. I have 49 letters in my title and he has 42. That’s how important. [Sigh] Just tell him it’s the beardy one.’
‘Transferring you now.’
‘Office of the Secretary of State for Exiting the European Union. John Bull speaking.’
‘Ah, David! Mike Russell here. Love the hotline. Long-time listener, first-time caller. Ha ha ha ha-’’
[Muffled] ‘Pssst! It’s him again. Beardo Weirdo.’
‘Already? I only gave him that card yesterday. What the hell’s he want?’
[End of muffling] ‘Mr Davis is in a meeting. Can I help?’
‘Ha ha, yes it was a good joke, thank you David. Perhaps Nicola should make me Minister for Chortles! Although that only has 19 letters in it. So it’s a complete non-starter of course.’
‘What exactly do you want?’
‘Or maybe I could rustle up a title myself. Do you get it, David? Rustle, Russell. It’s a brilliant play on words. But then I've always been under-appreciated. When I wrote Grasping the Thistle the global reaction was incomprehensibly muted. BBC bias methinks.’
[Muffled again]. ‘God, he’s worse than Liam. Just put him on hold - 36 hours should do.’
[Land of Hope and Glory plays] ‘- and being denied the Nobel was a scandal. At least Brexit should be easy. I went antiquing in Delft once. In fact I’m writing a book about it...' CLICK.
Why are you making commenting on The Herald only available to subscribers?
It should have been a safe space for informed debate, somewhere for readers to discuss issues around the biggest stories of the day, but all too often the below the line comments on most websites have become bogged down by off-topic discussions and abuse.
heraldscotland.com is tackling this problem by allowing only subscribers to comment.
We are doing this to improve the experience for our loyal readers and we believe it will reduce the ability of trolls and troublemakers, who occasionally find their way onto our site, to abuse our journalists and readers. We also hope it will help the comments section fulfil its promise as a part of Scotland's conversation with itself.
We are lucky at The Herald. We are read by an informed, educated readership who can add their knowledge and insights to our stories.
That is invaluable.
We are making the subscriber-only change to support our valued readers, who tell us they don't want the site cluttered up with irrelevant comments, untruths and abuse.
In the past, the journalist’s job was to collect and distribute information to the audience. Technology means that readers can shape a discussion. We look forward to hearing from you on heraldscotland.com
Comments & Moderation
Readers’ comments: You are personally liable for the content of any comments you upload to this website, so please act responsibly. We do not pre-moderate or monitor readers’ comments appearing on our websites, but we do post-moderate in response to complaints we receive or otherwise when a potential problem comes to our attention. You can make a complaint by using the ‘report this post’ link . We may then apply our discretion under the user terms to amend or delete comments.
Post moderation is undertaken full-time 9am-6pm on weekdays, and on a part-time basis outwith those hours.
Read the rules here