THE Right Honourable Ian Blackford MP: “This morning, The Herald newspaper revealed that, in the middle of a pandemic, Tory ministers secretly directed funds from an emergency Covid contract to carry out polling on the Union.

“This evidence was uncovered in official documents submitted to the High Court, so [dropping his voice to a threatening, dramatic whisper] the Prime Minister would be well advised to be very careful in his answer to this question, and it’s a very simple question. Did the UK Government use a £560,000 emergency Covid contract to conduct constitutional campaigning on the Union?”

Whoa, this was a story, something to get the teeth into, and a right stinker for the Tory Government at Westminster to sniff before fainting clean away. And that’s pretty much what they did.

In answer to the SNP’s Westminster leader yesterday at Prime Minister’s Questions, Boris McJohnson, the PM in the billing, said he didn’t know the answer, but added helpfully that "I can tell him ... the Union and benefits of the Union have been incalculable throughout the pandemic”.

Translation: “Crikey, and indeed gadzooks, that’s a stinker. But let me say very clearly – so clearly I cannot see a thing – that Scotland is too wee, poor and hopeless to have fought the pandemic without the sturdy thighs and humungous private parts of England.”

Flexing his blubber, Mr B riposted that the PM had demonstrated yet again that “he hasn’t got a clue”. Then he provided this spoiler: “The answer to the question is: yes.” Funds for emergency Covid contracts, designed for things “like PPE for our brave doctors and for nurses fighting Covid”, had been used by the Chancellor of the Duchy of Lancaster – or wee Micky Gove, to give him his proper title – to fund research about attitudes to the blessed Union.

What was worse, he added, was that these lucrative contracts had been awarded to Tory cronies in a prime example of “corrupt campaigning”.

The PM’s reply was darkly illuminating. “Mr Speaker, I can’t think of a better use of public funds than” – spending them on PPE? supporting doctors and nurses? – “making sure that the whole United Kingdom fights the pandemic together.” Hooray: the Union first, foremost and forever. Giving the whole performance an air of surreal farce, Tory toff Jacob Rees-Mogg was sitting next to the PM, nodding away behind a Union Jack mask.

I’d have thought the SNP would have been organised enough, at the risk of repetition admittedly, to have its other MPs joining Mr Blackford in hammering Boris on this issue, when he was clearly down and foundering. But they chose to raise other matters instead.

John Nicolson, for example, criticised the “low welfare” standards of Australian meat produce and, in view of Mr Johnson’s likely popularity with Scottish farmers angered by the trade deal with Oz, asked when the PM was planning his next visit north of the Border. “Please come soon,” he added. “Every visit is a tonic for us and toxic for his Scottish Tory apologists.”

Back in cheeky chappie mode, Boris said he was "seldom away from Scotland” and couldn’t wait to return. But he’ll wait anyway.

I should say the gift that keeps on Goveing came up briefly earlier when Mhairi Black (SNP) raised it during the sublime waste of taxpayers’ time that is Scottish Secretary’s Questions. She said the Union polling was a “misuse of funds”, and called also for the results to be published. Might as well get our money’s worth.

But Mhairi was wasting her time here. Proceedings followed their usual format. Alister “Union” Jack, the Tory Scottish Secretary for Britain, slagged the Scottish Government for drug deaths and putting “grievance” (yawn) before economic improvement.

Rosie Cooper (Lab, West Lancashire) slagged the Scottish Government for alleged underspending. Chris Elmore (Lab, Ogmore) slagged the Scottish Government for not curing poverty. Andrew Bowie (Con, West Aberdeenshire and Kincardine) slagged the Scottish Government for the Manchester travel ban. Ian Murray, leader of Scotland’s one-strong contingent of Labour MPs, slagged the Scottish Government for its handling of Covid.

Ian, who for some reason looked like he’d woken up in a skip, also took the opportunity to hail the Scottish football team for “cheering up the nation”, presumably in relation to losing two games and winning one nil-nil draw.

With reference to exuberant Tartan Army antics at Trafalgar Square, Mr Murray told Iain Stewart at the despatch box: “I’m tempted to ask the minister if he has ever filled any of London’s fountains with Fairy Liquid.”

Mr Stewart, MP for Milton Keynes South and Under-Secretary of State for Scotland, gamely replied that, “to the best of my knowledge, I have never filled any fountain anywhere with any domestic cleaning products.” And yet he fills the Commons chamber with soft soap every month.

The Under-Secretary added that, despite the defeats, Scotland’s football spirit is “never broken”. All together now: “But we can still rise now …” Oops. Wrong time, wrong place.

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