As imagined by Brian Beacom

I HAVE to say at this moment in time I love the Tories. Not as much as Rod Stewart loves his picture being taken in cafes while on holiday, or Wayne Rooney enjoys a wee sleep in a chair in a Manchester hotel bedroom at four in the morning.

But thanks to the UK Government rubber-earing us when it came to the decision to change self-isolation rules for travellers, it’s given me the brilliant opportunity to mump my gums at Olympian level.

Why is this so important, you ask? Well, it deflects from Scotland’s major news story of the week.

Not content with making it to the top of the European Drug Charts, we’re becoming worse. And as health minister I can’t keep on making meaningless statements such as "It’s a real challenge”. I can’t keep on explaining how the extra £250m we’re throwing at the drugs problem will actually help, given the truth is we’re proposing nothing new.

Okay, yes, I can hear your point about hypocrisy over the travel news. You’re saying to me “Why would the Tories put your name to the good news fun sheet, allowing the Nats a share of traveller and travel industry applause when, during the Covid campaign, the Scottish government was as likely to give Boris the heads-up as Disney was to inform Scarlett Johansson of its marketing plans?”

Well, I’m not going to talk down to you, or suggest that you have the intelligence of a disposable face mask – that’s Nicola’s job – for making these utterly stupid points, even if they are true. But what I will do is maintain the belligerence and arrogance which helps give the impression I actually know what I’m talking about.

I’m going to stick with the same Hutchie Grammar-encouraged tone which made me an MSP at the age of 26.

I’m going to maintain the same shouty-voice attitude which has allowed me to defend my hated Hate Crime legislation, and more recently my own claims that A&E stats, the worst since the end of 2019, are not in crises, despite my own target being missed by 15 percentage points – despite falling A&E attendances.

You see, none of it is my fault. Thanks to a practised arrogance and blame shifting, I’ve been able to laugh off being slapped on the wrists by the statistics regulator, when I was supposed to have said that there were ten children in hospital with Covid 19, even if there weren’t, and I actually said it.

Now, if you’re saying it’s me that being a little stupid, that belligerence and defiance can only take you so far. If you’re wondering how can I have the effrontery to open the new Jubilee Eye Centre this week when I can’t open my own eyes to the reality that is drug deaths – and a dearth of ideas, from the question of vaccine passports or even a new social care system for Scotland – then I have the answer.

Which the Tories will surely give me.

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