As imagined by Brian Beacom

OKAY, yes, I admit it doesn’t look good, given that American woman’s decision to take out a civil law suit against me for sex charges, and the FBI see me as the new Capone.

And I’m speaking to you from Balmoral right now where the temperature is frostier than a packet of Frosties in a freezer in Northern Finland. Seems the strategy is to allow the embarrassing family member to gradually disappear, like the Cheshire Cat in Alice.

But I’ll tell you why I’m calling. The lawyers have told me to stay schtum, however I’m essentially hopeful. You see, I can confirm I never met the woman who claims she was forced on me three times across the world and maintains she has corroborative witnesses.

Yes, I’m photographed with my arm round her waist – but what does that prove? Honestly, you spend your whole life travelling the world attending banquets for Queen and country, you happen to never meet a sex-trafficked teenager – and suddenly you’re Jimmy Savile.

Second, if I were guilty, do you think Fergie would stand by me, just because we share the same mansion, she was once financially bailed out by this Epstein fellow and she allegedly lands book deals on the back of her royal connection?

Okay, I know my own brother has more or less said that I’d be as well applying for Job Seekers Allowance. And the Met’s Dame Cressida Dick has turned the sniffer dogs on me. ‘No one is above the law,’ said a woman desperate to be reselected in April, who needs to keep Priti sweet.

And you point out that the former head of Royal Protection at Scotland Yard has described the civil case as a significant stain on the UK. But is it? A significant stain to me is Irn Bru on a carpet. Yes, it’s hard to shift but a good ammonia cleaner can work wonders.

Now, you’re saying I should simply come clean about my relationship with Epstein? But honestly, I can’t quite recall him. Wasn’t he the manager of The Beatles, who once had a fancy on John Lennon?

Yes, I’ve been described as the greatest threat to the monarchy since Guy Fawkes. But that’s nonsense. I’m at least Number 2, behind Meghan and the ginger. And there’s the bloke who spied for the Russians.

So, I’m confident. Look how I handled Emily Maitlis, with my clever Pizza Express answer. She didn’t think to realise that we tend to feed kids around five, which would have offered plenty of time for me to get to London. No sweat.

Should I face my accuser in court? Well, that would only prove what I already know. And what I know is that the Tremeloes had a No 1 song in the Sixties with Silence Is Golden. But yes, my eyes still see. And they see the future ahead in which all of this will go away.

If Britney can get her life back, so can I.

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