As imagined by Brian Beacom

YES, it’s a fair question. Channel Four are looking for a Scottish couple to appear on Gogglebox, and you’re wondering if Peter and myself would be interested? Of course. It’s all about the performance, isn’t it? And we could be the Glasgow version of Giles and Mary.

We could certainly offer up sneering contempt. It’s a face I’ve been pulling every time Douglas Ross forgets to declare all of his linesman income. In fact, it’s a face I pull every time I see Douglas Ross.

I could also laugh uproariously, like Giles, when called for. I certainly did this week when Boris had to admit that his attempts throw the Standards Committee under a bus saw him end up in a ditch.

And you know, I laughed hard when I heard Benny Hill is coming back on the telly. For some reason, I don’t know why, he reminds me of Alex.

I could easily pull a sofa cushion over my face and hide, as the Goggleboxers often do. After all, it took two years for my government to reply to the Freedom of Information requests demanding to know the details of our £586m funding guarantee to metals magnate Sanjeev Gupta’s GFG Alliance.

And it would be very easy for Peter and myself to play the bickering couple. Who can forget the Salmond inquiry, when we couldn’t agree on the government/party business recall? Oh, how I later gave him pelters for not reminding me not to forget. That sort of thing would make great television.

Gogglebox, it’s been claimed, is largely scripted. And that would really suit me down to the ground. I don’t pay more than £1m a year for spin doctors not to not earn their corn.

And on that subject, didn’t they do a great job this week, feeding John Swinney clever nonsense when he couldn’t answer the simple question: ‘Do you agree Cambo should go ahead?’

While on the subject of Cambo, I could certainly convey a Giles-level of smugness, evident when I finally declared my opposition to oil extraction, releasing my inner Greta, secure in the knowledge I can’t do a thing about it anyway.

And I can certainly show anger, better than the Speaker showed with Boris this week. Remember how furious I was with the Rangers fans this year?

But Sir Keir Starmer certainly wouldn’t make it onto Goggglebox. Yes, he’s been having a right go at Boris, calling him a coward. But, honestly, our canteen lady, Isa, could take him in a square go – and she has bad angina.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. If I were to appear on Gogglebox that would be classed as a second job. And the SNP couldn’t countenance anything or anyone which affects our commitment to the electorate. Even Ian Blackford.

Yet, here’s where I could really make an impact. To be successful on Gogglebox you need to be absolutely sincere. And as you know, any time I need to be sincere I can fake it.