As imagined by Brian Beacom

LOOK, I know what you’re thinking, that I’m sweating harder than the Prince formerly known as HRH Andrew at this moment, given we’ve been rivalling Ann Summers when it comes to hosting parties.

But that’s not the case at all. I can ride this one out, like Butch and Sundance did when chased relentlessly across the Midwest by Dominic Cummings – sorry, I meant to say Marshall Joe Lefors – but my point is this; the posse eventually gave up, distracted.

And there have been wonderful distractions appearing all week. As I mentioned, there’s the Prince, so magnificent in seizing headlines, and we can guarantee another few months of those before his ski lodge sale funds perhaps find themselves to an Australian bank account.

I’ve also got No-jags Djokovic to thank for deflecting the wrath of the self-righteous world’s media, the wonderful arrogance of this bristle-haired Serbian when it comes to assuming there is one rule for the best tennis player in the world and another for the rest of us.

And I’d also like to stand outside 10 Downing Street and applaud our spook chaps in MI5, not just for their diligence – they come up with spy revelations at least once a year – but for their perhaps incredible timing in warning of an infiltrator who threatens the power balance of government.

To be honest, my first thoughts were, ‘What do they have on Liz Truss and Rishi Sunak? But it turns out they’re talking about a Chinese woman, who I feel must been rather confused because I wouldn’t give Barry Gardiner a fiver to go to Tesco for a bottle of plonk, never mind £500k.

And I’m especially thankful to my good friend, Jacob Rees-Mogg. In describing Douglas Ross as a t**head or whatever he managed to give Kirsty Wark the eye-brow lift scoop she’s been longing for years, resulting in massive attention being removed from his beloved leader, who happens to me.

Now, you’re saying how will all this play out for me in Scotland in the months to come, with Labour eleven points ahead in UK polling? Well, I’ve long felt I’m as well campaigning in the Serengeti than coming up here.

As for my work? I will hang on. But not be hanged. And remember this: if Sue Gray finds I have acted inappropriately then she will report this back to her superior and that superior person will take the appropriate action. I know this for a fact because he happens to be me.

Now, you may point out to me, rightly so, that Butch and Sundance were a couple of law-breaking desperados who actually escaped from the posse by leaping to near death over a waterfall. And refused to confront reality and ultimately paid the price for their arrogance by being gunned down in Bolivia.

Yes, but that was only in the film. And we never saw them die, did we? For all we know, they lived on, and fought another successful election. Sorry bank robbery.