It’s been great over the last few weeks to again enjoy outings to cinemas, concerts and theatres. Return to the cinema has coincided with the release of some first-rate movies. Last week, my wife and I enjoyed Kenneth Branagh’s Belfast, particularly Jude Hill’s performance.

Just one thing blighted our happiness. A couple of rows behind was a group of mature ladies who had decided the cinema was the ideal place to catch up with the latest gossip. Throughout, they maintained a mosquito-like buzz of conversation.

And worse was to come. One, out to impress with her knowledge of the Van Morrison songbook, croaked along with the soundtrack. When in doubt, she hummed or re-wrote the lyric, as in, “Right side of the road”. When it came to Carrickfergus, she wished “only for nights with her gran”. We would cheerfully have bought her a one-way ticket to Ballygran.

How does one respond in that situation? Do nothing? Turn round and deliver the thousand-yard stare? Pretty pointless in the dark. Invite the lady to “Shhh”, or words to that effect? Being Scots, we chose to say nothing and suffered in silence.

It isn’t like that everywhere. In 2014, a former policeman shot dead a vexatious texter in a Florida cinema. Not something I would normally commend, but I can see where he was coming from. More recently, an exasperated New York theatre-goer seized a serial texter’s phone and hurled it against a wall. He was ejected, but received a standing ovation on the way out.

Our recent experience was a reminder that going to a concert pr the theatre or cinema is not always a bed of roses. In much the same way as I unerringly choose the slowest–moving supermarket queue, I invariably find myself next to the concert/theatre/cinema-goers from hell. They share a genetic lack of awareness and regard for other people. For them, etiquette is what you buy to get in.

In their book, Annoying: The Science of What Bugs Us, American authors Joe Palca and Flora Lichtman, offer A Universal Theory of Annoyingness. They conclude that what annoys us is “essentially trivial”, but nevertheless disturbing, because it’s “unpredictable” and we “feel trapped”. We’re on edge, waiting for it to recur.

For example, when someone regularly kicks the back of your seat or noisily rummages in a dustbin of popcorn. I recall being in a cinema where someone under the cover of darkness, repeatedly and noisily broke wind. The first couple of times there was a nervous titter. Thereafter, the audience was noticeably on edge waiting for it to happen again.

A few years back, at the old SECC, I was seated next to someone who scarcely took his eyes off his phone. He seemed oblivious or more likely, didn’t care, that his light screen was constantly in my line of vision. Oh, how I wish I had the guts of that New York theatre–goer.

Poor behaviour also affects those on stage. Michael Sheen famously interrupted a performance of Under Milk Wood to “invite” members of the audience to put away their phones. Alcohol is a contributory factor to unacceptable behaviour. Soul singer Beverley Knight halted the musical, The Drifters Girl, to call out members of the audience whom she described as “rat-arsed”. The solution is simple, don’t sell alcohol at performances, but of course a nice little income stream for the theatre would dry up.

The list of annoyances goes on and on. Subdued lighting is rarely the dimmest thing in a theatre or cinema. There are those who squeeze in after the show has started; the drink spillers and noisy eaters; those who must stand up and wave their arms. I noted a refinement during a recent televised performance. Many of those standing and waving their arms were holding phones and iPads aloft, further obscuring the view of those behind. Theatre and cinema owners have a responsibility to clearly define acceptable behaviour. Ejecting those who fail to comply, would be just the ticket.

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