As imagined by Brian Beacom

PEOPLE OF Scotland. I read of your concern. I want to thank you. But we need more.

I understand that you don’t want to push the UK government for a no-fly zone over Ukraine. It’s a bit like you are back in the school playground and the bully is giving the little guy a – how would you say it in Scotland – yes, a doing.

But you don’t do anything about it in case you get a doing.

Yet, here’s the thing; in this case the little guy won’t be coming back to school anymore. You will never see him again. And this bully will begin to look for his next victim.

Yes, what can you do? You can say that you’re so far away, and already your companies are doing what they can. I have heard that when you sit down to your dinner tonight you won’t be having your traditional Chicken Kiev from Tesco.

Instead, you will be enjoying a Chicken Kyiv, the letters changed in solidarity with the Ukrainian people. Well, that is very nice indeed. But to be honest, we are not thinking about spelling too much here in Kyiv right now.

If Tesco were to set up a Bitcoin exchange in which you could pay in money to buy us anti-aircraft rockets, that would make our Saturday evening a little bit tastier.

And there is more. Your First Minister has said that she is exploring ways to seize the assets of oligarchs. Yes, this is a good thing. But it has all began after the bully has marched into the playground and started throwing throat punches.

Didn’t you already notice that Vladimir Lisin’s estate in Perthshire is worth millions and his company is registered in the British Virgin Islands. And yet he received almost £700k in agricultural subsidies between 2016 and 2019?

Look, I don’t want to be ungrateful. It is the same with the UK government. Slower than a man with concrete blocks on his feet. France and Germany have seized superyachts while the UK offers up London to the oligarchs as one giant Hilton and says, ‘And help yourself to the fluffy towels, comrades. The taxpayer will pick up the bill.’

And I can understand how that comes about because of the relationship between Russian wealth and the Conservative Party. You don’t wish to throw those oligarchs out of the party they’ve paid for, after all. And you are busy spending time giving knighthoods to fireplace salesmen like Gavin Williamson.

But now Putin has gone nuclear. We have 15 power stations and if he destroys one it is the end. He and his team need to be squeezed. Fast.

So, you will ‘do all you can’. Does this mean play Whack-A-Mole – too late – with the oligarchs? And they appear somewhere else. And then what? What do you do?

Remember, indifference makes you an accomplice. And meantime, the bully in the playground is still giving us the doing of a lifetime.