As imagined by Brian Beacom

COME on, enough of the hissing and booing. The panto season ended in January.  Yes, we’ve sacked 800 workers, but that leaves three quarters of our employees returning to work today who can still take advantage of the duty free Toblerone and prosecco.

And don’t give us any of this, ‘You hid behind the video screen, you amoral reprobate,’ nonsense.  We ask you; what sort of decent man would stand up in front of people and tell them to their faces that they are worthless?

Isn’t it better to have them told by a pixelating, creepy character to which they can’t attribute any basic concepts of humanity?  If you carry out inhumanities, is it not better to do it in an inhuman manner?

Look, we can tell by the expression on your face – or at least I could if we hadn’t insisted this interviewed be pre-recorded on Zoom – you’re not convinced by our logic.  Well, let’s look to the immensely successful film Bridesmaids by way of example.

When Rebel Wilson’s character says to her irritating flatmate Kristen Wiig: ‘We’d like to invite you to NOT live with us anymore,’ Wiig wasn’t being booted out of the apartment. Not really. She was being given the opportunity to go off and find somewhere else to live at no notice whatsoever.

And to be honest, we’re annoyed at the hyperbole used by you press people, writing of the ‘balaclavad thugs’ used to drag our workers from the ships. Feel sympathy for these guys. Surely you remember from schooldays, or stint in a paramilitary organisation, the reality that is balaclava facial itching?

And you claim we used handcuffs. Honestly, the number of pairs we get handed in when the cabins are cleaned would shock you.

Yes, it is true that P&O Ferries claimed almost £15m in government grants in 2020. And our owners DP World, based in Dubai, paid a £210m dividend to shareholders in 2020 and declared a £683m profit last year.  But our boss Sultan Ahmed Bin Sulayem is getting by on a pay packet of just £5m a year. He had to scrimp hard to find the £30m to sponsor the Renault DP World F1 team.

And before you Scots go all ferry godmother sanctimonious, evoking examples of great Scottish socialism and worker support over the years, remember you’re buying your ferries from Turkey.

But if you’re asking us if we have regrets about how this situation was handled? Not really. We didn’t make anyone walk the plank. We’re not Captain Hook.  The sacked workers, sent home with their possessions in bin bags, had been allowed to watch the Zoom message in a warm, gentle environment with First Aid stations nearby should anyone go into cardiac shock.

Really, we stand by the recent P&O PR blurb declaring; ‘It’s not just a job, it’s a family.’  We are, as Sly Stone once sang, fam-i-ly. And who amongst us doesn’t have a drink-sodden aunt we wouldn’t love to bin-bag out the door?