As imagined by Brian Beacom

HO, Ho, Ho. Yes, it’s Santa Sunak here. No red suit, just Savile Row suit and schoolboy-short trousers, but it’s jingle bells time at the tills again.

I know I said last month it was ‘silly’ to provide more help for families sinking under soaring inflation but circumstances have changed.

And no, you’re wrong. It’s nothing to do with Sue Gray’s revelations of a few little Bacchanalian parties in the most fined address in the country, or reports of Mamma Mia! being belted out from upstairs.

Nor is it a chance to restore my reputation. Okay, you may well say to me: ‘Rishi, you’re soaked in cash, and your wife’s da’ is a billionaire. Four hundred quid to you is a dinner in a Mayfair restaurant, or a pair of Gucci slippers.’

But I would say to you, ‘Well, that’s not true. A new pair of Guccis will set you back north of £700.’ And last week’s Rich List proves me and the missus are only worth £730m, as it happens.

Yes, Ed Miliband has said my reputation has ‘crashed like crypto’ simply because my wife chose to work the tax system a little.

He says I’m out of touch with the real world. But for the Labour Party to argue that giving £400 to those who don’t need it is rather like the Scottish ferries story – it simply doesn’t hold water.

I’ve already explained that those who don’t need the money should, like me, give it to charity. Now, I appreciate it’s more likely it will go on an X- Box for the nephew’s birthday, or a deposit for that Med cruise. But doesn’t this help stimulate the economy?

Yes, there are those who say that the inflation-battered poor – who’ll get not only the £400, but a £650 poverty allowance – still won’t manage, that the relative increase is smaller than Bernie Ecclestone’s handgun.

They say it’s modest. But that’s not true. No one could ever accuse the leadership of this party of being modest.

So be fair. You’re implying this is a monkeypox of an idea but consider this: the cash will give people the bus fare to get to the food banks. Or to the second-hand book shop to pick up a Molly Weir Cooking a Meal for Sixpence classic. It could allow them to buy Matalan fleeces for all the family, for when the cold weather comes round again.

As for me stealing the idea from Sir Beer, that he’s been pushing it for months? No. Imposing the windfall tax – sorry, ‘temporary targeted energy levy,’ – has been an inspired idea by myself, which I’ve been thinking about for some time, even though I said initially that it was dafter than Liz Truss.

But most importantly, this energy levy is a good news story which means we can forget all about partygate, allowing Boris the chance to concentrate on the war, which we are not actually in.

With 20-odd rebel Tories ready to blow the Party apart, the big sack story makes for far better headlines.