Best foot F-word 

COUNTRY toff turned Scottish Secretary Alister Jack suffered a bad case of Tweed rage at Monday's Scottish Affairs Committee. Quizzed by SNP MP Deidre Brock about levelling-up funds, he spluttered: “You ought to suck it up and go with the programme.” Not very ministerial, she observed. He even seemed to swear at one point, referring to “the F-word” when talking about the Scottish Government. “If you live in the Highlands and Islands you would like a ferry,” he explained. 

Lord ordinary

ALSO appearing before the Commons committee was millionaire Tory donor Malcolm Offord who was coincidentally ennobled and made an unelected Scotland Office minister last year. During the 100-minute session, he spoke for just over one minute, or some 260 words. On levelling up, he said: “Let local people judge whether it was a good investment.” They might also judge whether the public gets a good return on his peerage.

Death star

Talking of small parts, Liberal Democrat MSP Liam McArthur was thrilled to secure a video endorsement for his assisted dying proposals from the legendary Star Trek and X-Men star Sir Patrick Stewart. Not exactly Lawrence of Arabia, it clocked in at 14 seconds. But Liam loved it. "I may just put this on a loop," he gasped after screening it at a campaign event on Tuesday. Others were less impressed. "Is he being paid by the minute?" wondered SNP MSP Kenny Gibson.

Poor soles

STRANGEST tale of the week concerns Alba party chair Tasmina Ahmed-Sheikh, whose feet have been honoured with their own webpage. “Are you finding Tasmina Ahmed-Sheikh’s feet pictures? Now you have come to the right place,” it says, before rapidly getting even weirder. “Tasmina Ahmed-Sheikh’s feet are simply perfect, and we can’t get enough of them,” it concludes. As the alleged author, one Scarlett Constanza, explains: “I always love to write about the Celebrity Feets.” We suspect it was created by a bot. Alba leader Alex Salmond also features in one of the snaps, but - alas!- has yet to get his own page of foot photos. Always hidden in the shade, you see.

Pseudo sooks

THE latest wheeze among opposition MSPs seems to be competing with each other to wind up ultra-modest SNP constitution secretary Angus Robertson. Tory Russell Findlay laid it on thick in he chamber last week. “I want to begin by sincerely thanking the cabinet secretary, who’s a very important MSP indeed, for providing a humble member like myself with that answer,” he swooned. “I’m not sure which question he was talking to in his peroration,” replied Mr Robertson, not quite getting the gag. Liberal Democrat Willie Rennie then joined in the mickey-taking. “I, too, am honoured that the minister has felt able to answer my question,” he deadpanned. Let’s hope it doesn’t go to Angus’s head. It might pop.

Office seeker

MORE than a year after being elected as the MSP for Edinburgh Central, Angus has finally found himself a constituency office. Rents in the capital rents are so steep, several MSPs have struggled to afford anywhere on their expenses. Unspun hears Angus has just managed to bag rooms used for Alcoholics Anonymous meetings near Holyrood. He’s never used them himself until now. He only wants to drink in the sound of his own voice.