Ear Ear

SCOTTISH Labour spindoctor Oliver Milne was a tabloid hack in a previous life, and old habits die hard. After briefing the press corridor at Holyrood about Nicola Sturgeon’s Indyref2 plans on Tuesday, he spotted the FM’s spinner arriving to do the same. So he loitered at the back and tried to listen in. It took three minutes before the FM’s emissary clocked him. “Sorry, I don’t know you,” he said. “Oh, I’m Oliver from the Scottish Labour Party,” he smiled. “Could you bugger off then Oliver - if you don’t mind?” At which Olly shuffled away, but only after waiting for the lift in an excruciating silence. 

Greenhorn

AFTER the statement, Green co-leader and mini-minister Lorna Slater was asked on the radio if she had been “aware of the contents” before Ms Sturgeon spoke. You know, like a genuine partner in government. Three times she was asked, and three times she said nothing. She was then asked what a ‘de facto referendum’ was. “I don’t know the nature of that term,” she said. She later claimed that, although she hadn’t seen the text of the statement, she had discussed and agreed the content... She just hadn’t understood what it meant. 

Black look

SCOTTISH questions in the Commons was full of predictable rough and tumble over the Indyref2 plans, but there were also gentler moments. Like Scotland Office minister Iain Stewart's reply to a question from the SNP’s Mairi Black. "May I just congratulate her on her recent wedding,” he said. “And although we will disagree on many subjects, on this one I hope we can agree that a Union is better than independence.” An old joke, but Ms Black still laughed. Before shooting back: “I would like to remind him that unions have to be voluntary.”

King Richard

TALKING of snappy comebacks, Gordon SNP MP Richard Thomson had a goody on Radio 4’s Westminster Hour when the possibility of a Lab-Nat alliance running the country after the next general election came up. “The coalition of chaos has often featured on Conservative leaflets and I’m sure it could feature again,” chuckled Tory MP William Wragg. “As opposed to the single government of chaos,” Mr Thomson deadpanned. “Touché,” acknowledged a defeated Mr Wragg. 

Whole Jota Love

ROMANCE - or at least wild optimism - is in the air for Tricia Marwick.  It seems the ex-Presiding Officer is smitten by new Celtic transfer prospect Jota. Tweeting a picture of the Portuguese winger, Ms Marwick swooned: “I’m sorry if this is superficial but is Jota not the most gorgeous man? And yes it is sexist, but hey ho, I’m a 68 years old woman. Facts are chiels that winna ding.” Yoiks. 

Flat Erik

THE lesser-spotted chair of state-owned CalMac, Erik Østergaard, finally made an appearance before MSPs on Thursday to be quizzed about the unfinished Clyde ferries scandal. The monotone Dane gave little away. After convener Richard Leonard thundered about the two boats being hideously late and over budget, Erik observed stiffly: “They are. That’s a fact.” We suspect Transport Scotland's officials were more emotional on their recent trip to Shetland to discuss ferry breakdowns.  Trying to get to a meeting on an outlying island, their ferry, er, broke down - and it wasn’t even CalMac’s.
We hope that, unlike the Clyde ferries, we’ll be with you in the autumn.