HEY, hey, I’m on my way! And why shouldn’t I be singing?

I’m set to become next Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, with a new poll of Conservative members putting me at 62 per cent.

Yes, I know many of you have been saying, “Liz, you have a track record of gross stupidity. We wonder if you are indeed an Olympian level soft-head. You make Joe Biden seem like he’s on the ball”.

And you don’t have to remind me that Dominic Cummings said I was “madder than a box of snakes” and couldn’t run a duck pond, never mind a country.

However, I want to reassure you that it’s people like you who have been taking what I’ve said out of context.

For example, when I said this week that I plan to hit the ground, I actually didn’t mean on my face, with a splat.

And when I talked of my visit to HM Prison, Pentonville and said they have guard dogs, which are barking, and they help to deter drones, some in the media questioned who was actually barking.

But we all know how ferocious some dogs can be, don’t we?

Just look at how Boris was treated – a man I declared I would back to the hilt for all eternity. Until last week.

But yes, I’ve made a couple of teeny mistakes.

Such as the cheese of which we import two-thirds of. But I was including Kraft Cheese Slices in that. And Cheesy Wotsits.

And yes, I was once a Remainer, but I’ve learned the error of that, which is if you don’t drop your principles fast in politics, how can you ever strive for leadership?

This is why I maintained that in any trade deal we strike we will be taking into account our high standards to make sure our farmers are undermined.

Again, you lot laughed at me. Aloud. Again.

And I notice you journalists in Scotland have been giving me an especially hard time because I’ve been channelling Margaret Thatcher, via the 1979 homage blouse.

And before that, when I wore military uniform and perched on a tank in Estonia.

Look, just because a woman wrecks a society and reinvents the concept of democracy doesn’t mean that she didn’t have a striking dress-sense.

Yes, there are some who say, “Will those gin-soaked old Tory Party fa**s actually vote for you?”

Well, of course they will. Some will be hoping I make such an a**e of it all that Boris comes back.

Some may even think I can be told what to think, but I’m not sure I think this to be true.

But remember this. I get stuff done. Not stuff like abolishing the monarchy, which I once argued for. Or building starter houses.

Because, as I told Andrew Neil, I don’t know if we build any or not. Or flying planes to Rwanda, or the Irish Protocol.

What I get done is picking up votes in a leadership contest.

That. Is. Good. Enough.



As imagined by Brian Beacom