As imagined by Brian Beacom

YES, hands up. Guilty as charged, your honour. I got a tickly throat, took off to London, came into contact with a few hundred people, then took the Covid Express back to Glasgow.

Yes, I was told to self-isolate, and I chose to blatantly disregard that warning and park my a*** on a Euston-Glasgow blue seat and tuck into my M&S tuna mayo sandwiches.

Do I regret this now, in the wake of the 160k Covid deaths in the UK? Well, I have to say, with hindsight, the tuna mayo didn’t really agree with me. I should have gone for the roast beef.

What? You say: ‘Where’s the genuine contrition? What you did Margaret was immoral, and you had the nerve to stand up in church and deliver a reading knowing the ‘tickly throat’ to be a sure sign from the Lord that you were virused out of your face?’

Well, what I would say to this is: do we not all deserve a second chance?

You know someone recently threw a Beckett quote at me, which said; ‘Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.’

And to be honest, I was surprised a comedian like Rob Beckett could come out with something so clever.

Anyway, I intend to fail better in future. What? You want to know if that means I’ll be living up to my reputation as a super-spreader? Ha. You think you’re funny.

And here’s another thing – I broke the rules. But who amongst us hasn’t during Covid times?

What about Boris and Rishi and Dom? And didn’t you, Mr Beacom, once admit on radio to going out on your bike twice in one day?

Well, free and easy libertarians like you will no’ be doing that so much now if Grant Shapps gets his way. He hates your cycling sort. ‘Your helmet!’ I heard him shout out one day at an uncovered Boris.

Or he could have been yelling, ‘You’re a helmet.’

But I’m getting off the subject. You want to talk to me about my feeling now towards the SNP and Nicola? You’re wondering if I’m a bit bitter because my party booted my backside out the door faster than you can say ‘Jerry Sadowitz’?

Well, it’s not a fair question. All I showed to the world was a wild disregard for life. Jerry yanked out his wanger. And, no, I’m not bitter. Especially since my party membership hasn’t been ripped up. It isn’t over until the petite lady in the big heels sings.

Yes, there is talk of recall. But consider this; The Addams Family are making a comeback on Netflix. And so will I.

I am the Morticia of Scottish politics. I won’t die.

Yes, things are pretty dark right now. But I have the genuine support of my constituents. Not so long ago, I read a lovely quote from one who said of me: ‘She’s one of the hardest-working MPs in the UK. It was privilege to catch Covid from her.’