As imagined by Brian Beacom

WHAT do you mean I’ve gone too far, by insulting one of the democratic leaders of the western world. You’re asking; ‘Does it make sense to further fragment the west when we’re fighting a proxy was with Russia?’

Well, I say you can’t have too many enemies.

So what if I told the penultimate Conservative leadership hustings that “the jury is still out” on whether the French president was “friend or foe?”

Doesn’t the great British public love to unite against a foe? Remember how Maggie worked that strategy so well against the Argies, as Tony did against Iraq? You should know that. Look how well Nicola does it up your end.

And remember, this xenophobia-lite appeals wonderfully to the Tory party who will elect me, these flatulent old duffers who still have pics of Lady T on their sideboards and stand to attention whenever the Queen comes on the telly.

But once elected, you’ll really see what I’m all about.

‘And what is that, exactly?’ you’re asking.

Well, I will tell you – and incidentally I loved the way you once described me as ‘a wild-eyed optimistic fantasist, a cross between Maria in the Sound of Music and Evita, who promises all to those in her eyeline.’

Wasn’t Maria also a great organiser, who got things done and managed to bag a man with pots of money? And wasn’t Evita an election winner for Juan, thanks to great soundbites and an ability to play to the gallery?

What? You point out that Maria failed to see fascism stare her in the face – and that Ms Peron was a one?

Well, that may be true, but is it wrong to hit out at Johnny Foreigner every so often (Australians excepted, who gave us a trade deal they love) and make the case for small-state Britain?

Look, I know you want to talk about other stuff. Like that 91-year-old women called Lillian who told Nicky Campbell she’ll only switch her telly on at 8pm. And I can go along with her thinking. That’s when all the best programmes come on, such as The Repair Shop. And shouldn’t we all be repairing things, like old thermal blankets and candle sticks?

OK, you’re asking me about the firms who will have to cut production and working hours because they can’t afford to power up. And suggest this will force unemployment and people back into their homes they can’t afford to heat? But isn’t this what libraries are for, if they are still open?

And yes, the water in the local pool will be colder than Putin’s heart, but isn’t wild swimming all the rage?

Your tone suggests you don’t agree with me. Well, you Scots shouldn’t be so self-righteous. You can’t even empty your own bins because you are too busy setting up consulates in Denmark to listen to what your people want.

And if you want to avoid freezing this Christmas here are two tips: I suggest you dance like a Finnish Prime Minister. And hug lots of Ukrainians. It worked for Boris.

That’s the sort of idea that Maria would have loved.