As imagined by Brian Beacom
YES, it’s time. I’m leaving behind the bunker of political opprobrium to make my way naked in the world, except perhaps for a multi-million-pound series of public speaking engagements, memoir deals, financially generous newspaper columns and lunches with my new bestie, President Zelenskyy.
Do I have regrets? Yes, of course I do. That flock wallpaper cost £800 a roll, and God knows we’ve tried a steamer, but it just won’t come off.
Ah, but you mean the fact I leave behind a divided party, bitterness and rancour, and found myself stabbed in the back by those I’d nurtured and loved, such as Cummings and Sunak?
Well, I would say no. Look at what I’ve achieved in Ukraine. I’m not saying I Rambo’d up and wore a vest and smeared Stallone grease on my face and machine-gunned invading Russians. But in a way I did, because you try appearing before the international press
pack while trying to milk a convenient association with Zelenskyy while rabid dogs are trying to ask you about misleading parliament. Doesn’t that deserve a medal?
And don’t forget, I did Get It Done. I sold the idea of Brexit to Red Wallers who put curry sauce on their chips and think Strictly is a fair representation of dance skills and love the idea of sending Johnny Foreigner back to France on their paddle boats.
And yes, our subsequent trade deals are worth less than a bin-man’s real wages. And the Northern Ireland Protocol hopes fade faster than David Beckham’s tattoos. But the important thing is the illusion that I’ve achieved a success.
Now, I know some have said to me “Boris, your decisions have been so egregious – the support of Chris Pincher, Owen Paterson, for example, you clearly need your brain tested.” But my reply has always been “I don’t have a doctor. I’ve never signed up for a GP – so how can it be possible that I even have a brain?”
And yes, the fact that I once offered to have Chris Whitty inject me with the Covid virus live on television and hid in a fridge and lied to the Queen does suggests that I am an Oxford-educated clown.
But remember this; I virtually invented the Covid vaccine. And when I played Richard III at Eton and made up my own lines and clowned around it made complete sense; I was able to run the script to suit my twin intents; to f***y around and capture all the attention. Is that not clever?
Now, you may say it’s cost me my job, but watch this space. Blunderbuss Truss will take over and this is wondrous because is there a person more likely to create havoc than I could? I’ll give it a year and the Tory membership will be remembering that 80-seat majority I brought with a nostalgic tear in their eye.
So, it’s not goodbye at all. Once the memoir and the speaking
tours are over it’s “Hasta la vista, baby.”
Why are you making commenting on The Herald only available to subscribers?
It should have been a safe space for informed debate, somewhere for readers to discuss issues around the biggest stories of the day, but all too often the below the line comments on most websites have become bogged down by off-topic discussions and abuse.
heraldscotland.com is tackling this problem by allowing only subscribers to comment.
We are doing this to improve the experience for our loyal readers and we believe it will reduce the ability of trolls and troublemakers, who occasionally find their way onto our site, to abuse our journalists and readers. We also hope it will help the comments section fulfil its promise as a part of Scotland's conversation with itself.
We are lucky at The Herald. We are read by an informed, educated readership who can add their knowledge and insights to our stories.
That is invaluable.
We are making the subscriber-only change to support our valued readers, who tell us they don't want the site cluttered up with irrelevant comments, untruths and abuse.
In the past, the journalist’s job was to collect and distribute information to the audience. Technology means that readers can shape a discussion. We look forward to hearing from you on heraldscotland.com
Comments & Moderation
Readers’ comments: You are personally liable for the content of any comments you upload to this website, so please act responsibly. We do not pre-moderate or monitor readers’ comments appearing on our websites, but we do post-moderate in response to complaints we receive or otherwise when a potential problem comes to our attention. You can make a complaint by using the ‘report this post’ link . We may then apply our discretion under the user terms to amend or delete comments.
Post moderation is undertaken full-time 9am-6pm on weekdays, and on a part-time basis outwith those hours.
Read the rules here