As imagined by Brian Beacom

WHAT? Yes, I know as an arch republican, the John Lennon of Scottish politics in fact, I’ve been getting a little bit of grief this week, on account of not showing enough sorrow about the death of the Queen.

When I declared that life isn’t all about status or titles and I attacked the privileged, someone Tweeted: ‘You’re a privileged wee irritant yourself, Patrick. Privileged in that you’re allowed into government at all.’

Well, for your information, that’s not exactly the case. Me and Lorna have only been allowed into two key meetings out of 43 since the ‘alliance’ – and one of those came after I offered to bring pizza.

But the big question is, you’re wondering why would I not kneel before a King who is greener than a Tommy Burns Remembrance night in the Gallowgate?

Well, Charles III won’t be Green any more, will he? And will the new King become a one-bar electric fire man like his dear Mama? I don’t think so. And is he going to tell Ms Truss to frack off?

On a personal level, how can I show utmost respect for such a moany face?

Honestly, such a fuss about a bit of a wee bit of pen leakage. Just imagine the leakage Nicola has had to endure over the years such as the loss of key party members like Joanna who dared to stand up to her. Nic just blots up the criticism.

Have I been tin-eared when it comes to the public mood, that the depth of emotion for the late Queen can be measured in ten-mile worship queues?

Look, don’t talk to me about queues. I’m the man prepared to stand in line each morning in a very busy café in the Royal Mile for Nicola’s double espresso. And then again at Greggs for her two vegan sausage rolls, which she sometimes allows me a wee nibble at.

And I’m the man standing in line to bow as she exits the front door each day.

Okay, you may have a point that my time could have been better spent on drawing attention to the fact Liz Truss’s leadership campaign was partly funded by the wife of a BP executive. I could have been talking of how I’m going to negotiate Cambo. Or I should be hitting out at the cap being removed on banker’s bonuses?

Maybe, but that doesn’t mean I am not prepared to show reverence for the denouement of a magnificent era, to honour the poignant ending of a person whose sheer eminence has been inarguable, who’s elegance and dignity immeasurable.

I believe Roger Federer to have been created by the Greek gods themselves.

Even if he sometimes kicked the a*** out of his electric fire.