Brains Lust

STRANGE scenes at the Holyrood coffee counter, where Kirsty the beloved barista has decorated for Hallowe’en. The centre piece of her display is a lime jelly in the shape of a brain. Alas, it has had unwanted attention, with MSPs' staffers unable to resist prodding it. Well, it is a novel organ in these parts. A sign has now appeared stating it is “just for show”. Rather than available for a transplant.

Suits you, Miss

LATE news just in from the SNP conference in Aberdeen, where one of Nicola Sturgeon’s aides overslept on the morning the FM was due to appear on Laura Kuenssberg. With heroic speed, the gopher made it to the official car despite having just three minutes to get ready. While Ms Sturgeon tried to prepare in the green room, her wriggling aide confessed she was wearing a swimsuit under her clothes, as she didn't have enough time to put on the standard two bits of underwear. Oh, and the swimsuit was back to front. Life at the top, eh?

Deep Pen Pizza

MEANWHILE, SNP Europe minister Neil Gray took a wrong turn in an Italian restaurant and found himself confronted by the Holyrood press pack out on the scoff. When one journo asked how his leadership bid was going, he suddenly found an excuse to flee. Still, not quite as bad as the dinner suffered by SNP press officer Erik Geddes, who was talking on the phone to the FM when he bit down on a bookie’s pen that had been baked into his pizza. “I didn’t need to hear that,” Ms Sturgeon shuddered later.

NE man all at sea

BUT the highlight of the gathering was local MSP and social care minister Kevin Stewart getting splashed over the tabloids after a late night barney in a boozer. This week, in a Holyrood debate, he got into another argument, this time with Tory Craig Hoy. Deputy PO Liam McArthur warned: “Mr Stewart! You've had an intervention. Be quiet!” At which Mr Hoy purred: “The minister is not in an Aberdeen nightclub now, so he should behave.” Mr Stewart’s face looked longer and stonier than Union Street.

The Kenny Dropped

ALEX Salmond’s Alba party was livid this week after SNP MPs walked out of an adjournment debate on Scottish energy. The speaker was Alba’s Kenny MacAskill. “It is bitterly disappointing that they chose to walk out instead of taking part in a debate that actually matters to Scotland,” a spokesman fumed. Has any other SNP MP ever walked out on his fellow Yessers in such ungrateful fashion? Oh yes, one Kenny MacAskill. When he defected to Alba. 


TALKING of MPs on tour, Nat Alyn Smith dropped into Holyrood on Thursday. His arrival intrigued a parly guard. ‘Do I know you?’ he asked. Well, I am a politician. ‘I’m sure I know you.’ Actually, I’m the MP for Stirling. ‘No, that’s not it,’ said the sleuth. ‘Didn’t you used to own Rangers?’ As Mr Smith sighed afterwards, he’s mistaken for Craig Whyte on a regular basis. 


Holyrood magazine featured SNP MSP Ash Regan in its "politicians and pets" column this week. It coincided with her quitting as a minister over gender reforms, bigging up her tortured conscience despite saying hee-haw about the issue before. They say owners often mirror their dogs. Discussing rough collie Lexie, Ms Regan said of hers: “She’s reasonably good at following basic commands, but can also impress with some of her more advanced skills, such as spin.” Fancy that!