Ding dong!

WERE you surprised when police arrived on your doorstep? Nicola Sturgeon was asked on her return to Holyrood on Tuesday. “I think you can probably take the answer to that as yes,” she quipped. Er, just a bit. Unspun’s mole hears the Uddingston air was filled with unparliamentary language as the ex-FM realised her home was being raided. Luckily for some, the Scottish Government has long failed to invest in police body cameras.

Gag merchant

FORMER SNP treasurer Colin Beattie also emerged blinking mole-like into the glare of the cameras on Tuesday. He began with a solemn vow not to commit news. “Obviously you guys are hoping I’m going to give you some additional information that might help develop the story…. There’s very little I can say.” He then mentioned the £110,000 campervan seized by the fuzz from Ms Sturgeon’s mother-in-law and all hell broke loose. Mr Beattie has since been drilled in the art of Trappist silence by his handlers and refuses to utter a word. Pity. 

School lesson

HUMZA Yousaf has sadly been given the same orders. After some wonderfully chaotic media scrums, he couldn’t get away fast enough after FMQs. He offered the surreal observation that “every week as First Minister is a very enjoyable week” then legged it. However he was more candid meeting pupils from Kilmarnock’s Annanhill Primary in the lobby later. “You guys have to be better behaved than we are,” he told them.  

Wheely bad

SCOTTISH Secretary Alister Jack held a drinks reception for the Holyrood press pack on Thursday, mingling wistfully with the commoners before heading for the Lords. “Whenever I bump into our SNP colleagues in the voting lobby I always ask who’s got the campervan this weekend,” he revealed. “Funnily enough they don’t find that as funny as you do.” 

Fire brigade

SUCH is the chaos in the party and the ripples lapping up against the government that one aparatchik was actually heard sighing about the lack of action on Thursday. Is there any news? they asked, missing the daily adrenaline rush. When it was suggested they could just light a few bin fires of their own, they were appalled. ‘Bin fires? We do skip fires.’

Third division

“Congratulations to @AngusMacNeilSNP the new chair of energy security and net zero committee,” tweeted the Westminster PARLY account on Wednesday. Innocent enough, surely? But behind the win for the Western Isles MP was a right old internecine scrap. The chair of the group had to be a Nat, but rather than unite around one person, the party’s MPs couldn’t agree. The youngsters backed Kirsty Blackman, the loyalists Stewart McDonald, and Joanne Cherry and some other free-thinkers backed Angus. Splits? What splits?

Booze brothers

ALSO sparring this week were SNP Westminster leader Stephen Flynn and his predecessor Ian Blackford, who kept passing the buck for auditor problems in the other’s direction. It led to a bizarre ‘peace pint’ stunt on a drizzly Westminster terrace to convince folk they actually like each other. However even that added to the rift, we hear. While Mr Blackford supped a solid Guinness, Mr Flynn chose a ridiculous bright orange Aperol spritz. “For f***’s sake, he couldn’t even get a proper drink,” one pro-Blackford MP tutted in disgust.