Club Grampiana
The Scottish Tories are having their conference in Aberdeen this weekend. “This show has it all, the power, emotion and star quality in this stunning production with full video and light show,” says the venue guide. No, hang on a minute, that’s the George Michael tribute Fast Love, which is playing in the hall the Tories used last year. Douglas Ross’s lot have moved to a suite half that size upstairs. Still, there are overlaps. The Tory leader can talk to delegates about Faith and Freedom. And they can ask him to Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go. 

Cattle prod
Perhaps the strangest question at conference was posed by Holyrood magazine editor Mandy Rhodes to Mr Ross in a main stage Q&A. Asked what he had learned from cows that he could apply to politics, the rustic Ross said the Prime Minister had been impressed by his ability to recognise delegates and introduce them by name. "Rishi said to me, You're really good at that. I didn't say this to him, but it's because I had to memorize all the cows. I could tell a cow's name and number by looking at its udders." He added hastily: "I wasn't doing that with the members.”

Musical peers
Other odd moments included Scottish Secretary Alister Jack interrupting his own speech to complain about the music. “You know this music?” he asked a perplexed hall. “What’s this music? Is it my theme tune? I’m retiring. I don’t need a theme tune.” No, just an ermine robe. There was also the irony-overload of Aberdeen Councillor Richard Brooks attacking the SNP and Labour with the line: “They come here for their photo opportunities, schmoozing our energy companies.” Rishi Sunak’s big speech to delegates, delivered after he had been schmoozing some energy companies, lasted 11 minutes. And not forgetting Mr Ross telling Mr Sunak at the end of their session that his time was up. Quite.

Walk on by
Humza Yousaf was forever stopping for the cameras when he became SNP leader. His interviews with the media after FMQs became a staple of the Holyrood week. However, with problems mounting and polling tricky, Mr Yousaf seems to have fallen out of love with the Fourth Estate. On Thursday, as on several previous Thursdays, he sped past reporters and refused to stop. Unspun hears one unimpressed broadcaster is now toying with compiling a tape of the FM’s greatest snubs and flounce-outs. Perhaps that will get his attention?  

Oompa gloompa
It’s hard to tell why the FM is so prickly. Perhaps it’s his Government’s electorally mad plan to limit meal-deals and other offers on juice and crisps, thereby hiking the cost of your lunch. Voters tend to remember that stuff. The idea is to cut down on salty and sugary snacks, but Mr Yousaf was visibly unenthusiastic about it in a press conference on Wednesday. “Not a fait accompli,” he scowled. Alas, by then Holyrood hacks had already dubbed him the “anti-Willy Wonka” and “Humza the sweetie snatcher”.  

Snack attack
It’s not just the First Minister who seems to be rueing the junk food consultation. His official spokesman also gave the impression of being allergic to the idea when quizzed at the cabinet briefing on Tuesday. Despite repeated promptings, he somehow never shook off a sense of apathy. Mind you, he would be uneasy about any attacks on crisps. He’s called Kevin Pringle.