THE very word nursery seems to transport our MSPs back to it.
As soon as Richard Leonard mentioned the SNP’s childcare policy at FMQs, it was if the chamber began swarming with short-tempered, inarticulate nitty creatures in search of a tantrum.
The Labour leader would have done well to join them and take up painting with his lunch.
Frequently poor in the past, he excelled himself to become transcendently awful.
A recent watchdog report had warned Nicola Sturgeon’s pledge to double free childcare by 2020 was in trouble, with “significant risks” and delays. What was she doing about it?
Ms Sturgeon insisted it was all track, though she noted the scheme was also “ambitious”, usually code for “delivery on time subject to mass amnesia”.
Still, the First Minister was able to deftly reel off a list of half-measures ministers were hiding behind in the meantime.
There were 1500 additional staff courses, 400 graduate places, 10 per cent more modern apprenticeships year on year to 2020, the living wage.
“I say clearly to Richard Leonard: there is a plan!”
Equally clearly, Mr Leonard had not anticipated this. He complained: “In among that avalanche of statistics...”
At which 100 toddlers in every party but his howled with laughter at the silly man whose trousers had just fallen down, metaphorically speaking.
“I apologise to Richard Leonard for providing more facts than he could cope with,” the FM smiled, leaving the Labour leader skis up, head down, and shortcomings exposed.
Gruff Nat millionaire Ivan McKee then tried to ask the FM about Tory MPs and Brexit.
Kindergarten Cop Ken Macintosh blew his whistle.
“Is Brexit not a question for me?” asked the FM tartly.
“With the greatest respect, I think that Brexit is very much a matter for the First Minister, given the risks that it poses.”
A giggly frisson ran round the benches. This one was totally cheeking the teacher. Not to mention referring to herself in the third person, Trump-style.
Mr Macintosh decided to make an example of the insubordinate whippersnapper.
“The question was about Conservative MPs, and I do not believe that you are responsible for them, First Minister.”
I dread to think what he’ll find left on his desk next week.
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